


happily ever after

by definition_of_trash



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Cutting, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, My Poor Bab, Near Death, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, did i say there was angst?, he don't deserve this, it's basically a vent story lmao sorry, please be careful when reading this, this gets... a bit graphic, trigger warnings up the hoo ha, um lots of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-01-08 21:13:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12262203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definition_of_trash/pseuds/definition_of_trash
Summary: ♪ oh, happily ever after ♪♪ wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know? ♪♪ oh, skip to the ending ♪♪ who'd like to know, I'd like to know ♪♪ oh, author of the moment, can't you tell me ♪♪ do i end up, do i end up happy? ♪- takes place before the Accepting Anxiety video -Everything hurt. Oh god, why did everything hurt so much?! His chest, his head, his arms, his legs, his eyes. They all stung and ached with the knowledge that the people he lived and worked with wanted nothing to do with him. His limbs shouted at him just like they did, screaming that he was useless, that Thomas and everyone else would be better off without him. He wasn't an emotion. He was just a condition.Breathing unsteadily, Virgil slowly unraveled himself from the tight ball he had formed to instead reach for the small metal object on the bathroom floor. It glinted in the white light as he brought it closer. A thin, grim smile stretched across his face as he stared at it. Okay. It's time.





	1. do i end up, do i end up happy?

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a big vent story for me. there are LOTS of warnings here!!! if you are AT ALL sensitive to graphic depictions of self-harm, suicide attempts, talk of suicide and death, and/or hateful self talk then i beg of you, DO NOT READ THIS! i may not know you, but i love you automatically if you're here. self harm and suicide is not the way to go. please be safe <3

The door to Virgil's bathroom slammed shut, the faint shouts of Roman echoing down the hall to him. His breathing was sporadic, not getting enough air but at the same time getting too much. His head felt fuzzy, and his skin felt tingly. The lights seemed too bright, but it was hard to tell through the flood of tears cascading down his face.

Virgil fell to the floor, pressing his back against the wall and letting out one, rough sob. His throat ached with the force of it, and he felt his eye shadow sting when the tears smeared it. Tilting his head back, the young man struggled to get his thoughts together. Everything hurt. Oh god, why did everything hurt so much? His chest, his head, his arms, his legs, his eyes. They all stung and ached with the knowledge that the people he lived and worked with wanted nothing to do with him. His limbs shouted at him just like they did, screaming that he was useless, that Thomas and everyone else would be better off without him. He wasn't an emotion. He was just a condition. He was a problem, and he needed to be solved. Just like what Logan said.

In the midst of self-pity, a sudden idea lit up the area. The fog cleared a bit, and Virgil could breathe. It was a miracle, he thought, until he realized just what that idea was.

_Oh._

Letting his emotions take control (which is never a good thing when you're the literal embodiment of anxiety), Virgil pushed himself up from the bathroom floor. But his legs gave out half-way up, sending the man into his sink,  _hard_. A soft groan came from his mouth as he stood up more carefully, rubbing the spot on his forehead that had hit the edge of the sink. in the back of Virgil's head, he could already hear the lecture Patton would give him later. How he should be more careful in such a dangerous place as a bathroom, and that he should take care of himself more. Then the father would have Logan check Virgil for a concussion, although it was so painfully obvious that the logical personality couldn't give two shits about Virgil's wellbeing.

Virgil laughed bitterly, the sound coming out weak and breathless. Well, Patton's going to have a field day over this.

With tears still traveling down his cheeks at light speed and slightly marring his vision, Virgil dug through the cabinet underneath the sink until he pulled out an unopened box of disposable shaving razors. The box was soon ripped open, and the guard of one of the razors was pulled off hurriedly. With scary confidence, the brunette then grabbed a pair of tweezers and his nail clippers, and went to work.

In no more than two minutes, three thin, sharp razors had fallen onto the edge of the sink. The now-empty holder was tossed to the side, and the first one he saw was grabbed. It took him only a few moments to situation himself back on the floor, with his back pressed to the wall, like before. The shiny razor was twirled slowly between two shaky fingers, brown eyes watching it intensely. Virgil's thought about this for a while. So long that Patton would probably faint knowing how close Virgil has been to doing it so many times before. But he's always been interrupted by one of the Sides, or by Thomas demanding he come up to talk about another minuscule problem. And of course, despite being summoned just like the rest of them, Virgil would be ridiculed by all of them (besides Patton, of course), and would be cast aside, told that his feelings and thoughts just didn't matter. They were right, obviously. He didn't matter.

It was time.

Virgil already had one sleeve rolled up and was half-way done with rolling up the other one, when he paused. Should he write a letter? That's usually what people do right before they kill themselves. They write the ones they love a letter, to let them know why they did it. But that thought just made Virgil laugh. Anybody loving  _him_? Impossible. But he still felt slightly bad for leaving them without an answer. So, he decided he would do what they've been begging him to do for so long now.

With his sleeves still rolled up, Virgil focused and appeared in the kitchen. He could hear the idle chatter of the other three from the commons. They were laughing. Of  _course_ they were laughing. Virgil scowled, grabbed a pen and one of the sticky notes Patton insisted they keep in the kitchen, and started to write. The note was very clear and simple.

**I'm sorry.**

**\- virgil** ~~~~

Just like that, Virgil was gone as silently as he came, leaving the tear-drop splattered sticky note and pen obviously on the kitchen island. Soon, he was back in his personal bathroom, and he could finally breathe again.

He didn't want to waste anymore time. He knew Patton would eventually go to the kitchen to fetch the others snacks, and he would see the note, and chase after Virgil to stop him. Roman and Logan would come, too, and soon his plans would be foiled again by Dad, Sir Spectacles, and the royal Headache Inducer.

The razor was grasped firmly in his hands, and the sharp edge was raised to his wrist. He pressed the cold metal to the skin, then paused.

Could a Side die? Personalities can fade, and Habits can be forgotten, but can Sides  _die_? Can they just leave and forcefully tear away a part of their host? A part that's needed?

Oh, that's a laugh. Virgil's not needed. They can handle without him. They've said so themselves.

With that last thought, the razor was plunged into the soft skin of his underarm, and he  _pulled_.

An involuntary yelp escaped Virgil's lips at the sudden pain that plowed into him. He yanked the razor away on instinct and tried to grab at the wound, but the damage had already been done. He had heard the small  _pop_ , and knew he had burst a vessel somewhere. He cut too deep. But, that's what he wanted... right?

Blood was everywhere. Fucking  _everywher_ _e_. It ran down his arm in big rivulets of death and pooled at his elbow joint before dripping off and onto his jeans. The tip of the razor was covered in it, and if it had looked menacingly before, then it was absolutely  _terrifying_ now. Virgil couldn't stop shaking; it felt like he was in a snow storm with no clothes, but he wasn't cold. Or, was he? He was cold. Why was he cold?

With hands shaking so hard he nearly dropped the blade, Virgil switched it from his right hand to his left, and pressed down onto his opposite arm. A quick inhale, and tight shut of his eyes, and a firm tug. Another inaudible  _pop_ , and the crimson mess was quickly added to. At this point, Virgil could've sworn it looked like ink. But that would be no surprise if that was the case. Virgil was useless, and useless people didn't deserve a soul.

Now, his hands were completely covered in the red liquid from trying to grab at his arms to stop the pain. God, it hurt so much. It was too much to handle. But despite that, Virgil couldn't help but smile. The amount of blood escaping his body couldn't possibly be healthy, and if things worked out for him, then the pain would be ended soon.

So, he sat there. Sat in a slowly-increasing puddle of his own blood, his arms laying limply next to him as he stared into space. The edges of his vision were starting to get dark, and his body tingled, like when he would be shaken awake by a nightmare but still be half-asleep. It was... nice. There were no thoughts in his head. Absolutely nothing, besides the recognition that he was slowly bleeding out and he was okay with it.

It started to get difficult to breathe. His chest seemed to heave more, and it took more effort to get full lungs of air. It was starting to get tiresome, honestly. So, Virgil let his body go completely limp, and he slumped to the side, now resting his head in that cooling puddle of blood. Now it felt like he was breathing through a straw. His vision was more black than it was color, and he found that his limbs were no longer responding to his brain's commands. For a split second, he panicked. He demanded that his legs kick out, that his arms flail, that his head jerk up. But nothing happened, besides the slight twitch of one of his bloodied fingers. Nothing was obeying his mental commands. He opened his mouth slightly, and tried to scream for help. All that came out was a soft exhale of breath, and a weak cough. Soon, control over his jaw was lost as well, and his head slumped so part of his cheek, chin, and forehead was dipped into the blood puddle. Very slowly, his eyes started to close. As they did, all feeling he had in his body - even the now-annoying fuzzy feeling that he had felt earlier - was sucked away to nothing. His eyes slipped closed, and he was dunked into a world of shadows.

Even in his dying state, Virgil couldn't help but mentally chuckle at this. A world of shadows? So, not much different than his usual life.

...

The body on the floor suddenly grew still. The raspy breaths came to a halt mid-exhale, and his chest still. All muscles in his face relaxed, and his body seemed to slump further into the floor. It was like all life had been sucked out of the man's figure.

It was like that because that's exactly what happened.

In the distance, a small gasp could be heard, followed by a pained shriek. Soft whooshing sounds occurred, and then panicked footsteps were racing up stairs.

The scream-sob that was heard echoing in the back of Thomas' head sent chills down his spine, although he wasn't quite sure why. He felt great, so what was the problem?

 

 


	2. and i wish i could say that it ended just fine...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god... i honestly didn't expect this to get many views. i can't tell you how big of a smile i got when i read the comments of the last chapter. they make my heart soar, holy wowza. aah, sorry the update wasn't yesterday; studied for a good two hours on a test i had today and i was just too exhausted to do anything besides collapse afterwards. BUT, i'm here now!!! yesterday, i had a pretty overall crappy day. but today i had a good one, so i'm gonna tap into the self-pity i felt yesterday to write this >:) i'm so happy people are enjoying this. it's such a good way to vent, and the fact that people are actually choosing to read it makes it so much better. SO, without further ado, here's the chapter!!! :D enjoy!
> 
> ****OOH ALSO, the Sides don't know Virgil's real name in the beginning of this chapter, so that's why we're reverting back to Anxiety.

Patton knew something was wrong the moment he saw Anxiety sink out of the commons. 

This action wasn't rare, of course. Anxiety often will storm out of anywhere if he's pushed to his breaking point. Today seemed to be one of those days.

Roman and Anxiety were fighting, which, again, was not rare at all. It was hard to decipher, but he thinks this time was about a conversation Thomas was having with Joan and Talyn today. The three of them were working on a new Sanders Sides video script, and Talyn had voiced an idea. Joan had agreed, and so had Thomas, initially. It was quite a good idea. But Anxiety had some worries about it, because the idea had a slight controversial topic to it. Roman had immediately disagreed with him, but Anxiety had ignored the romantic side and instead made Thomas blurt what he was thinking. Thomas was immediately horrified at the terribly negative comment that had forced its way out of his mouth. The brunette had immediately apologized and explained what happened, which earned him amused smiles and forgiveness from the other two people. They understood, but that didn't quell any of Roman's anger in the slightest.

He waited till Joan and Talyn had left to go out on Anxiety. He was screaming at him in the commons as Thomas watched TV, unbeknownst of the drama that was going on in his own head. It was honestly really frightening, the way Roman's voice boomed and filled the large room with unbridled anger.

When Roman first started yelling, it was obvious Anxiety was taken aback. Patton knew that the youngest Side didn't handle loud noises too well, much less yelling directed at him. The Parental Side was about to step up to stop it before Anxiety retaliated, shouting a snarky comment about Roman as a prince. What happened next happened so fast, Logan and Patton were both sent reeling. Roman gritted his teeth, brought his hand back, and back-slapped Anxiety so hard his head snapped to the side. Everyone was silent the next few seconds after that. Anxiety stayed rooted to the spot he was left in, Roman was clenching his fists by his sides and breathing out roughly through his nose, and Patton and Logan were still at the doorway, staring at the scene with wide eyes. Then, it was like a switch had been flipped. Anxiety sharply turned, chuckled darkly as he stared at Roman, then did his usual hand-to-forehead gesture before promptly sinking out.

Instead of worrying Roman like it had worried Patton, this evasive action seemed to infuriate the royal aspect even more. He was screaming once again, face a cherry red as he shouted insults and barely-covered profanities. At this point, Patton could tell that Thomas was starting to get a headache from the constant shouting in the back of his head, so he decided to take charge. He jumped forward, grabbed Roman's shoulder firmly, and pulled him to face him. "Roman." Patton spoke clearly, staring into the royal's eyes intensely. "Calm down."

"But--" Roman tried, already wilting under the strict look of the parent's eyes.

"Couch.  _Now_."

Roman shuffled over to the couch before falling forward onto it and groaning dramatically. In his peripheral, Logan rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in amusement. Deep in Patton's heart, something stirred and vibrated with worry for the younger aspect. It was screaming at him to go after him, similar to how Roman was screaming earlier. But when said Side groaned again, this time significantly more weak than before, Patton shoved that nagging worry down and went to the kitchen to fetch a cold glass of water.

...

They were laughing about a Steven Universe joke Patton had searched up when he heard a pen click faintly. He turned, the sound seeming to come from the kitchen, and was tempted to get up and investigate, since the only other person who would be in the commons with them is Anxiety, unless one of the stray Personalities managed to sneak their way in. But the dad's attention was quickly drawn back to Logan as he snarked a comment back to Roman and accidentally made a dad joke in the process. Despite this being a strangely-common occurrence, the two right-brain aspects doubled over laughing as the teacher ducked his head down and fixed his glasses compulsively, trying to save himself by muttering "I didn't mean it like that..."

After having a good session of pure belly laughter, everyone was pretty parched. So, Patton grinned as he excused himself, and heard Roman debating with Logan on which Disney movie they should watch first. Patton entered the kitchen, immediately grabbing three plastic cups (glass was way too much of a hazard when involving Thomas) and filling them a quarter of the way with ice, then the rest of the way with water. Drinking out of the light blue one, Patton sighed and licked his lips, satisfied. Then he turned and was just about ready to head out again, when a slip of paper on the kitchen island caught his attention. Which a quirked eyebrow, Patton set the precariously-balanced drinks down one by one, then walked up to the note and picked it up. The first thing he noticed was the water droplets on the paper. Then he actually read the words, and let out a choked gasp when they finally set in. The droplets mixed with the message written clicked painfully in his head, and the least he could manage out was a strangled "Logan, Roman..." before slapping a hand over his mouth. The fact that the paper was signed 'virgil' and not 'Anxiety' hurt his heart a little more than he was going to admit.

Immediately, there was the sound of scurrying and the other two aspects appeared in the kitchen doorway. Both of them had pale faces. "What's wrong?" Logan demanded, stepping up and taking the note from Patton. He read it once, then twice, then three times, all the while with a completely straight face. Then he sighed out, and said, "let's go."

Roman made to grab the note when they all felt it. A sudden, intense pain lacing up and down both their forearms. It was in that moment, Patton  _knew_ what had happened. In response to this realization, he let out a choked sob, it sounding more like a scream than anything. Roman read the note quickly with shaking hands, then, with tears in his eyes, nodded at the other two. They all sank in unison, focusing on the part of Thomas' mind that was just  _radiating_ negativity. Soft whooshes accompanied their entrance into Anxiety's Room, and they all had to take a moment to collect themselves. They were used to sinking into Thomas' world, and they were even used to sinking into each other's Rooms. But Anxiety's Room? It pained Patton to admit that they've never attempted to go in. The fear of being negatively swayed was always too much. But now wasn't the time for fear. Anxiety needed them.

With Patton in front, Roman in the middle, and Logan in the back, they all sprinted up the stairs and barreled into Anxiety's bedroom as quickly as they could. Logan froze at the doorway, his nostrils flaring and his skin paling even more. "Oh, god." He whispered, the smell of pennies in the air all too familiar. It seemed Roman had also smelt it, but was less swayed by it than Logan. He joined Patton at the door to the bathroom, where the parental Side was freaking out at the fact the door was locked. There was no need for words as Roman pushed Patton back, then turned and kicked the door with all his might. The flimsy lock gave, and Logan joined them to stare into the bathroom with shock.

Patton  _screamed_. A full-body, blood-curdling scream that you would hear in the horror movies Roman likes so much. The sound rang in both Roman and Logan's ears, but it was not like they could really hear him, either. The shock of seeing what was on the once-white floor of the bathroom was so intense that their bodies just seemed to  _stop_ for a moment.

There he was. Anxiety - no,  _Virgil_. Virgil was laying there, with absolutely no movements visible. He wasn't even  _breathing_!

Oh god, he wasn't breathing.

Logan rushed forward to the limp body on the floor, and Patton was close behind. But Roman stayed planted in his spot, staring at the scene that he had inadvertently caused. The sleeves of Virgil's hoodie were bunched at his elbows, and blood was quite literally  _everywhere_. It was in Virgil's dark hair, smeared on his face, it caked his hands and arms, and it was spread all across the floor around him. It looked like he had accidentally fallen into the puddle, from the placement of his limbs. His face was still glistening with tears, and his make up was basically washed off at this point. His eyes were closed. And Roman was inspecting all these small, unimportant details because he didn't want to look at the mess that was his arms.

The sight made Roman want to vomit. The deep lacerations that were carved with such  _precision_ hurt his heart to the point of him having to clutch at his chest to try and stop the pain. The blood that was now starting to clot, but was still lazily trickling out just added to the nausea he was feeling right now. It was only the moment Logan barked an order to Patton, and the parental figure stood up to start rummaging through Virgil's cabinets, that Roman was shocked out of his trance. The fanciful side jumped forward to Virgil's head and knelt right in the blood puddle. Suddenly, Roman didn't care too much if his suit got ruined. He had dozens, anyways.

Patton quickly returned with an arms full of supplies. There was first-aid kit nearly overflowing with objects, a large bottle of hydrogen peroxide, a dampened face towel, and behind him the sink had been filled with water. Logan took the supplies and muttered a quick thank you before opening the kit and starting to get to work. Roman pulled Virgil's heavy head into his lap, and started carding his hands through his ruffled and slightly bloody hair. He watched with a blank facial expression as Logan took the rag and started roughly wiping at the blood quickly drying on Virgil's arms. He rubbed the towel along his arms to clean up the blood he could reach without disturbing the actual wound. Soon, his arms were only a bit pink from the blood that would refuse to come out. Then, with much more care, Logan started to dab along the lacerations with the same rag, finely cleaning up the darker blood there. Then he tossed the towel to Patton without looking, and grabbed a cotton swab that he had pre-soaked in hydrogen peroxide. When Logan pressed the cotton to the wounds, Virgil didn't flinch. In fact, he hadn't moved ever since the three had entered the bathroom. Then the memory of not seeing Virgil breathing resurfaced, and Roman hurriedly placed two fingers to the side of Virgil's neck, right under his chin. Nothing. He tried another spot, pressing down hard in desperation to feeling something,  _anything_. Still nothing.

He muttered this to Patton, who stifled a sob just in time by clapping his hand to his mouth again. But Logan wasn't deterred as he moved from cleaning Virgil's wounds to packing them. He first smeared antibiotic ointment on them, then used some butterfly bandages he had found in the kit to hold the deepest parts together. The last thing to do was wrap his arms in bandages to keep them covered. But when he reached for where he had placed the roll of medical bandages, they weren't there. Logan looked up to see Roman holding them away from him, a sad expression on his face.

"Logan, he has no pulse. He's gone."

"No!" Logan barked, the sudden intensity from the second-oldest making Patton flinch and Roman lean back in surprise. Logan slowly exhaled his breath, and compulsively adjusted his glasses with a blood-smeared hand. If he noticed the blood left over on them afterwards, then he didn't show it. He just held his hand out and said in a calm voice, "no. We are not losing him."

Roman's shoulders sagged, and although he knew it was useless, he handed the roll back to Logan. Immediately, it was snatched away and started to be wrapped around the younger's arms. They looked significantly better, now that they weren't covered in blood and obvious cuts. But something in the back of Roman's mind soured the slightly positive situation for him by reminding him that it was no use.  _Virgil had no heart beat_. No heart beat equals immediate death, obviously. Nothing they did now would work. "Are you done?" Roman asked with a monotone voice. Logan stretching on the inevitable was making his head hurt even more than before.

"Go to the kitchen and get a tray of snacks. Fruit, water, crackers, anything with sugary content. Meet us in Patton's room; he'll feel better there." Logan commanded Roman swiftly, grabbing Virgil's wrist momentarily before nodding to himself and digging his hands under Virgil's shoulder blades and knees.

Roman broke, hands flying up to grab at his hair. "Logan, are you this oblivious? Virgil is  _dead_! He's not breathing, and he had no pulse! That means death, smart guy!"

Logan just smiled, looking to Patton and nodding. Patton smiled back, then grabbed one of Roman's hands from his hair. His middle finger and ring finger were maneuvered outwards, and were then pressed to Virgil's neck, in a completely different spot than where Roman had searched. Underneath his fingers, Roman could feel the slight staggering movement. His heart positively  _soared_. "What...?"

"You were feeling in the wrong place." Logan quipped with a chuckle, standing up with Virgil in his arms. Roman was left on the floor, resisting the urge to face-palm with the knowledge that his hands were still soaked with blood. "What he needs right now is to create more blood, since he's lost far too much. So, foods with sugary contents and liquids are the best to help his blood level rise. Understand, Roman?"

"Y-yes." Roman stammered, pushing himself up as Patton left the room to wait for Logan. "I'll, uh, I'll wash my hands before getting the stuff."

"Thank you." Logan smiled. "Also get the heating pad, will you? He's quite cold, so that'll help him."

"Yeah, sure."

Logan nodded to him thankfully, then turned to Patton and sank out with him. Roman stood there still, not moving for a good minute. His mind was running at 100 miles a minute to try and decipher what the  _hell_ had just happened. But as he turned his eyes down to stare at his hands, his gaze hardened with realization. He had caused this. Maybe not on purpose, but he was  _definitely_ a factor to Virgil's suicide attempt. So, it was required for him to help out in any way possible to help nurse Virgil back to health. And if that meant washing his hands and burning this outfit and getting him sugary foods and drinks, then  _damn it_ he was going to do it! But while he was scrubbing his hands raw to rid them of any and all blood, he couldn't help but think there was another reason he was helping Virgil. Not just because he was now obligated since he inadvertently pushed the youngest Side over the metaphorical edge, but because of something else. Because he  _wanted_ to. Seeing his counterpart on the ground lifeless like that struck a match somewhere in his being. The urge to protect and guard and heal and love had nearly knocked him over, though he had brushed it off as shock at the time. Although shock was part of the equation, it wasn't just that. He didn't just need to, he  _wanted_ to help Virgil.

With that mindset, Roman left the bathroom and sank out from Virgil's room and into their shared kitchen. All the while that he was scurrying about in his bloodied outfit collecting various foods, he was desperately trying to rid himself of the image of the other two blades that were left on the side of the sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohohoh, this chapter went on way longer than i meant it too. i wanted to get to getting virgil set up in patton's bed in this chapter, but roman's internal angst got in the way of that >:( welp, that'll just be for next chapter, i guess! :D i think next one will be virgil in patton's room, the others realizing how much they care for him, and maybe virgil waking up? or hearing them while he's 'asleep'? eheh, looks like you'll just hafta wait to find out... >:))))
> 
> if anyone is curious, the story title and the chapter titles so far are actually lyrics from one of my favorite songs. it's called Happily Ever After by He is We. fantastic band, fantastic song, highly recommend if you like female singers and catchy tunes :3 thanks for reading!! i'll try to get the next chapter out soon. if you have any ideas you want to be potentially featured, then feel free to comment them below! love y'all!!


	3. you are the boy, with a real nice smile but a broken heart inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeee i found another addicting He is We song and it's called Prove You Wrong. the melody and music in this song makes me shiver and so that's why the chapter title is a line from the song :3  
> yururghhhh i'm so sorry y'all this chapter went up way later than expected. writer's block is so much fun; especially when it's directed towards only one story ._. butttttt it's here now so enjoy!!!! :D my poor boy virgil bab

It took no longer than a few moments before Patton and Logan had appeared in Patton's bedroom. Hopefully, the overwhelming happiness of the place would help Virgil recover faster.

Logan made quick work of making Virgil comfortable on the bed as Patton hurried around and gathered spare blankets and pillows. He also snatched a few stuffed animals on the way, knowing that Thomas always calmed down whenever he would hug one.

Once all that was done, and three chairs had been dragged from downstairs to the side of the bed, all there was to do was wait. Which, on any other occasion, Patton was incredible at. Today just wasn't his day, it seemed. And for good reasons, too.

"Hey, Logan?" Patton asked softly from his seat closest to Virgil's head.

"Yes, Patton?" Logan responded quickly, his spine straightened and his hands neatly folded on his lap. He was radiating calmness, but deep down, Patton knew he was just as distraught as the rest of them.

"I know you're not too good with this whole... feelings thing." Patton started, dropping his hands to rest on the bed by Virgil's still shoulders. "But can I tell you something?"

Logan coughed, surprise evident in his voice as he responded, "yes, of course."

"I feel like this is my fault." Patton whispered, his eyes stinging with unshed tears.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because... I don't know, I should have seen the signs." Patton huffed, throwing his head back so his body slumped back into his chair with a soft 'pff' sound. "That's what parents do - they see what's wrong with their children, and they  _fix it_. I didn't fix anything, Logan! I think I made it worse actually, since I didn't check on him earlier, even though my gut was telling me something was wrong!" The parental trait threw his arms up in the air, before letting them come down on his thighs. His voice was broken as he whispered out, "I'm a terrible friend."

"Patton." Logan said sharply, making Patton flinch slightly and look up through his brown bangs. The teacher trait leaned forward and hesitated before reaching up and pushing Patton's bangs away from his face. "I showed you that video on mental illnesses and self-harm tendencies, right?"

"R-right." Patton sniffed, stiffening slightly at the reminder of self-harm.

"I assume you remember how the video stated that people suffering from self-harm are extraordinarily good at hiding it from others, yes?"

"Yes, right, but that doesn't count because we're part of a whole and I should've--"

"If Virgil kept himself locked in his room almost all the time, then how could you have ever known that he was considering doing this?" Logan motioned vaguely towards Virgil's body, breathing but still.

Patton looked to the body on the bed, his eyes welling up once more as he started at the youngest trait. "I..." he whimpered softly, looking up to Logan with teary eyes once more. "I could have..." he was trying so hard to come up with an excuse.

" _How_ could you have known, Patton?" Logan pressed on, the hand motioning now lowering to grab the shaking hands that were in Patton's lap.

"I... I couldn't have." Patton whispered. "But--!"

"But nothing." Logan cut off, raising a hand to wipe away the tears that had just barely started rolling down his cheeks. "None of us had any way of knowing; not with the way Virgil kept himself hidden all the time. Besides, when I was cleaning up his arms, I didn't see any self-inflicted scars. So there's a good chance that he hasn't even self-harmed before, and this attempt was just a spur of the moment thing." Logan smiled at Patton tightly, but the familial trait knew he was trying his best. "Nobody is at fault here, Patton. Not Roman, not me, and not you. Not even Virgil is. There isn't time to worry about who caused what to happen, all that we have to do is focus on the present and the fact that we reached Virgil in time and that he's still here with us now."

Patton let out a shaky breath, Logan's monologue having really helped him. He nodded, gave a weak smile, then turned back to Virgil's face. He let go of Logan's hands in favor of pressing a warm hand to Virgil's eerily cold cheek. "I felt it, didn't you?" Patton whispered. "He almost Faded."

"Yeah. I did." Logan sighed out.

Patton had opened his mouth to continue speaking when he was cut off by a nearly-audible whooshing sound coming from the door. Both Patton and Logan turned, and saw Roman standing there, the largest tray they owned piled with snacks and fruits and juices. The platter was organized, too! Slung over Roman's arm, like a waiter's towel, was the heating pad they owned for when one of them got injured (from Thomas), with the cord trailing on the ground behind him. All of this was great; it was just what Logan asked for! But, to their surprise, Roman had more. Over his shoulder was a change of clothes, the style vastly different from Patton's, Logan's, or Roman's. "I got what you asked for." Roman started, voice unnaturally quiet. "I also went back to Anxi-- ahem, Virgil's room and got a change of clothes. Figured bloody clothes isn't a nice thing to sleep in." Speaking of bloody clothes, Roman still had his blood-stained tunic on. Patton and Logan only really had blood on their knees from kneeling in it, but Roman had it all over his chest from nervously wiping his hands on it.

"That is very nice of you, Roman." Patton said softly, walking up to him and flashing a smile to the slightly-taller gentleman. He then took the change of clothes and the heating pad, leaving the heavy-looking food platter to Logan, who quickly took it to Patton's bedside table. The heart-shaped lamp had to be moved to the floor, but that was okay.

Each asset took a different job. Patton had climbed onto the bed so he could prop Virgil up while he changed his bloody clothing. Logan used a materialized paper plate from Roman to start picking out different foods that would be best for Virgil when he woke up. And Roman gone off to clean up the mess in Virgil's bathroom. He was the most familiar with blood, after all (with all the daydreams and ideas he would spark up for Thomas). But Patton noticed he also seemed quite fidgety when looking at Virgil laying on the bed. He didn't seem comfortable at  _all_ with being in the same room as him. At first, Patton thought this was just because of the little rivalry they had going on between them. But he couldn't help but suspect there was something more going on.

"Alright, he's all changed." Patton announced, laying Virgil back on the pillows gently. He was now dressed in a dark grey t-shirt, that showed off his slightly-stained white bandages. A soft blanket was placed over him, then the heating pad (which was set to the lowest setting), and then Patton's quilt. Under the pile of comfy was a couple stuffed animals, nestled up to Virgil's sides to hopefully calm him whenever he woke up. Despite all this, his arms were left out of the blankets, so that Logan could keep an eye on how quickly they became bloody again.

"I, too, am done with preparing snacks for him." Logan nodded, setting the plate of snacks at the foot of the bed before taking his seat again. Roman still wasn't back yet. "Shall I go get Roman?"

"Yeah, that'd be good. Thanks." Patton smiled at him from where he still stood at Virgil's side. Logan nodded, and with quick movements, stood up, and sank right back out. Once he was gone, Patton let out a large sigh and walked around the bed so he could collapse at Virgil's side, this time on his semi-comfortable chair. "Oh, God, Virgil." He whispered, reaching out to brush back the boy's surprisingly-soft dark hair. "What have you gotten yourself into this time?"

To no surprise, there was no response. Virgil laid just as still as he had when they first laid him on that bed. The silence in the room was suffocating, and was slowly encompassing Patton in shadows the longer he sat in it. He had to get out, but he couldn't just leave Virgil here alone! So, with a deep breath, he started singing what first came to mind.

" _Come, stop your crying, it will be alright_." Patton sang softly, one hand brushing through Virgil's hair while the other held his cold hand gently. " _Just take my hand, hold it tight. I will protect you from all around you. I will be here, don't you cry_..."

Patton thought back on when him and the other two had just found Virgil.

" _For one so small, you seem so strong_."

He had been on the floor of the commons, shaking and whimpering as he rocked back and forth.

" _My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm_."

It had taken nearly an hour for Patton to calm him down, and once he had, the boy had introduced himself as the embodiment of anxiety.

" _This bond between us, can't be broken. I will be here, don't you cry..._ "

Logan had been shocked. Thomas was only 13, there was no way anxiety was taking hold of him already!

" _'Cause you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more..._ "

Roman was very concerned, very hesitant, and a little bit angry. He had heard about anxiety from Logan, and knew that it tended to drive away the want to chase your dreams. He never really liked Virgil from the start.

" _Oh, you'll be in my heart, no matter what they say. Yes, you'll be in my heart, always..._ "

Patton was in love the moment he stared into those big, brown eyes. He knew they all had the same features, but something about this young boy made his instincts flare up and scream to protect, to nurture, to heal, to help. All the years to come, Patton would try his absolute hardest to make Virgil feel as loved as he deserved. But in the end, it seemed Patton had failed.

" _Always..._ "

After Patton stopped singing, there was a moment of silence before a soft groan came from someone besides Patton. Roman and Logan weren't back yet, and Patton had already checked earlier that there was no monsters under his bed. So, that meant the noise came from...

Virgil's fingers twitched in his hand, and his brow furrowed slightly under his absentminded strokes. Patton gasped sharply, and called out, "Roman! Logan!" Virgil whimpered a bit now, tilting his head to the side a smidgen.

After a few seconds that felt like forever, the other two traits appeared, panting a bit. Roman had changed into another stunningly-white tunic, and Logan had changed to another pair of dress pants. They were both staring at Patton with worry evident in their eyes. The oldest aspect turned and beamed at them. "He's waking up."

...

Along with the video that Logan had forced them all to watch about suicide and self-harm, he had also showed them different conditions that you could experience. One being sleep paralysis. At the time, Virgil hadn't thought it had seemed too scary. But when he came to his senses and realized he couldn't do anything besides breathe, he was panicking _just a little bit_.

This panic, however, was short lived, as the sound of someone singing slowly became noticeable to him. All the Sides had pretty good voices - they were parts of Thomas, after all - but they each had their own style. Roman's was full of vibrato, Logan's was simple and always on key, Patton's was soft and lullaby-esque, and Virgil's was sad and soulful. From that information, this singing was not at all short, but it also wasn't large and full of dramatic vibrato. Virgil, himself, currently couldn't move any part of his body - much less his lips - so that left only one Side.  _Patton_.

The longer he listened, he couldn't help but mentally chuckle. The guy was singing a song from  _Tarzan_ , of  _course_ it was Patton!

As the song kept going, Virgil found himself relaxing more and more with the soft and light tunes. He never knew Patton's falsetto was this good. Just as Virgil was about ready to drift back asleep, where he would hopefully wake up able to move his own body around, when Patton drifted off and stopped singing. He couldn't help but groan after Patton stopped singing; he was almost asleep, damn it! But what overcame that disappointment real quick was the fact that he had actually made that noise out loud. Not just in his head!  _From out of his mouth_! He had some control now! Straining as much as he could, Virgil felt his finger twitch in the warmth that encompassed them. There was another artificial-feeling warmth on his chest however, so he just assumed that the heat was from a heating pad of some sort.

"Roman! Logan!" This sudden burst of volume scared Virgil enough that he found the strength to tilt his head a bit to the side. It wasn't that much progress, but a little was still pretty good! "He's waking up."

Virgil ached with the urge to bolt upright, to wipe the worry and sadness out of Patton's voice, to scream that he's okay and that he's awake. But he couldn't do more than just kick his leg a little bit and groan again.

"Virgil?" That was definitely Logan, even though the traces of concern he could hear was definitely out of the ordinary for him. "Can you hear me?"

Virgil couldn't move, and he was devastated that he couldn't do anything to show Logan that he was awake. "I don't think he can move." That was Roman. But again, there was a slight tremor in his voice that made Virgil question how well he could hear.

"Oh, that'd make sense. Um, Virgil, if you can hear me, wiggle your fingers on your left hand."

That, Virgil could do. So, determined to make Logan satisfied, he pushed all his energy into his left hand and slightly wiggled his index and middle finger. A soft chuckle of relief was heard, presumably from Logan. "Great." He mumbled.

"What should we do? Why is he stuck?" Patton asked quickly, worry clearly making him a bit panicked.

"He's probably experiencing sleep paralysis right now." Logan answered cleanly. "Right now, it depends on how strong he's feeling. If you're up to it, Virgil, slowly try to wiggle your toes before moving up to your feet, then to your legs, and up to your arms. Take it as slow as you need to. But if you're feeling tired, just try to fall back asleep, and when you wake up, you should be out of it. So, what do you want to do?"

Virgil was tired. He was so goddamn tired, his head pounded with exhaustion. But he didn't want to go back to sleep. Not while the other three Sides were surrounding him, surely hoping that he'd get up soon. So, ignoring his sleepiness, Virgil started trying to wiggle his toes.

It took around 10 minutes, but by the time he was at his arms, he could move the rest of his body semi-easily. It still wasn't like how it was before, but it was  _definitely_ better than not being able to move  _anything_! Once his arms were moving - albeit sluggishly, but still on his command - he found it surprisingly easy to turn his head slightly and crack his eyes open. The room was dark, but not pitch-black. Someone had probably turned the lights off before he opened his eyes, which he was very grateful for. His lips parted, and with a dry throat and concrete tongue, he managed to get out, "hi."

"Oh, goodness, Virgil." Patton sighed out, exasperation and relief flowing so intensely out of his voice it felt almost fake. "I can't believe you sometimes!"

"Here, buddy," Roman mumbled next to his ear, before Virgil felt his body being pushed up into a seating position. A warm body was settled behind him, and he was free to lean back into it. This felt  _way_ better than the pillows, despite them being the literal embodiment of comfort (since he assumed he was in Patton's Room at this point). He managed to open his eyes more, and then he was able to open them all the way, letting him see everything around him. If the glow-in-the-dark star stickers littering the ceiling were anything to go by, he was  _definitely_ in Patton's room. Logan wouldn't be caught dead with such childish decorations, and if Roman wanted to, he could just imagine he was looking at the stars and then he would be. His Room was kind of incredible like that.

Patton's face popped into view, smiling with red and puffy eyes. Virgil knew he had been crying, and he absolutely  _hated_ that. "Here." Patton mumbled, cupping the back of Virgil's head as he brought a cup of water up to his lips. "Figured you'd be thirsty."

He figured right. The moment he got a mouthful of that cold, crisp water, he was already craving more. He was gulping it down quickly, only pausing to take in breaths of warm air from the cold that would shock the back of his throat. He was somewhat surprised that Logan wasn't commenting about the rate he was drinking the water, but when Patton took the cup away and Virgil turned to look at Logan, the sight of tears dotting his cheeks almost made him choke on his own tongue.

"W-what happened?" Virgil croaked out, his throat still feeling dry despite having drank a large glass of ice-water.

"You tell us." Logan said sharply, motioning down to Virgil's arms that sat in his lap.

Virgil looked down, realizing that his arms actually ached a little bit. But when he saw the pristine white bandages that thickly covered his arms, which also had a couple bloodied spots, everything came rushing back. His mouth opened slightly, and he stared at his own arms before looking up to switch between Patton and Logan. "Oh." He mumbled, the severity of the situation finally crashing down on his shoulders. "Oh, God."

"So." Logan cleared his throat, moving to the other side of the bed so he could sit down next to Patton. Roman didn't move from his spot behind Virgil. "Shall we talk?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:)))  
> hoooo you know ya girl is sick and got sniffles for days. hopefully this won't stop me from writing, but it does seem to be getting worse, so i'm kinda worried about that :P


	4. tell me it's alright, just for one night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm is it too late now to say sorRY FOR NOT UPDATING SOONER AUHFHSJGB  
> wowow that cold hit me harder than i thought it would im better now though i just have gallons of snot coming up but thats okay :D

It was an impulsive decision to climb behind Virgil and act as a body pillow. But now that he was there, and that he felt Virgil willingly leaning into it, Roman felt his heart soaring happily. That happiness stayed and intensified as he watched Virgil open his eyes fully, and drink an entire glass of water by himself (sans Patton, who just held the glass for him). Roman was resisting with all his might to rub at Virgil's stomach and thighs soothingly, as it seemed that was his instinctual reaction to seeing Virgil injured. But he figured that the youngest aspect probably wouldn't appreciate that, so he stopped himself, despite struggling a fair bit with it.

This warm feeling settled in Roman's stomach couldn't seem to stay forever, it seemed, for after Virgil had finished his water, he shakily asked, "w-what happened?"

Roman looked over, and noticed Logan had started crying. That didn't shock Roman too much, for after Logan had changed, he had come in to help Roman clean the mess as well, since there was quite a bit to clean up. There, Roman had comforted Logan as he quietly cried, voicing his concern for Virgil and his confusion at why he was feeling so many intense emotions. He had only just calmed down when Patton had called for them, and at that point, all blood was gone. After a snap of his fingers, Roman's bloodied clothing had disappeared, and they were both hurrying back to Patton's Room.

"You tell us." Logan croaked out, gesturing sharply to Virgil's arms. Roman felt the man tense up in his arms, and heard a shaky breath escape him. "Oh." He whispered. "Oh, God."

Roman frowned at the way Virgil's body started to shake. "So." Logan cleared his throat, and then sat down in the seat next to Patton's. "Shall we talk?" Roman didn't move, but his arms did twitch against the urge to hug Virgil tightly.

"U-um," Virgil stammered, then chuckled dully. "T-talk about what?"

"Virgil, please don't." Patton spoke out, the pain evident in his voice making the warmth in Roman's gut go cold. "Please... don't play around this subject with us."

"I don't know what you're talking about, dad." Virgil mumbled, looking down to his hands. He began to twist his fingers together to the point that they were starting to hurt. As if sensing this, Roman reached around and grabbed Virgil's cold hands with his own warm ones, stopping the fiddling right away.

"Virgil, this isn't normal, nor is it okay." Logan tried to start, leaning forward.

"I know it's not normal." Virgil said.

"Then why did you do it?" Logan asked, his expression confused and worried.

"You won't understand." The youngest aspect tried to yank his hands from Roman's, but it seemed he was still weak from the blood loss.

"Maybe not," Roman drawled, "but we've helped Thomas with similar situations before, and we can help you now."

"You can't help!" Virgil yelps out. He was clearly trying to sound angry and scary, but the crack in his voice said otherwise.

"Virgil, stop pushing us away." Patton insisted, his cheeks getting increasingly pinker with frustration. That was new; the parent almost  _never_ got frustrated with Virgil.

"Why not?" Virgil snapped to the father figure, his eyes darkened with anger. "You guys always push  _me_ away!"

"That's not true!" Patton stood, his voice growing in intensity. Roman started to get a little bit scared; Patton doesn't raise his voice that often.

"Uh, guys, let's calm down here..." Roman attempted to soothe, but it seemed his words went right over the other's heads.

"All we're trying to do is help you, Virgil!" Patton insisted once more.

"Yeah, like that's true." Virgil growled back, his scowl firmly in place.

"Why are you so stuck on thinking that we could never care about you?!"

"Guys..." Logan shrank back a bit, the intensity of emotion in the room clearly overwhelming him. Roman noticed this, and frowned.

"Because you don't! That's clear, any time any of you ever talk to me!"

"Maybe that's just because you always push us away, and don't ever give us a chance! This is hurting us just as much as you, Virgil! We love you--"

" _DON'T YOU DARE ACT LIKE YOU CARE IF I'M ALIVE_!" Virgil shouted suddenly, making Patton reel back and efficiently shut up. Roman was in shock, and it seemed Logan was, too. None of them had ever heard Virgil yell that loudly before. "Don't you  _dare_ act like you really care about me!" He continued, now having closed his eyes. "You guys always drag me to those brainstorming sessions with Thomas! Any time I try to contribute, you always shut me out! Like my opinion doesn't matter!" Hearing this made Roman's heart. Is this really how Virgil processed things? "And then the  _moment_ something bad happens - something that I had  _warned_ you about - you go straight to blaming me!" There were tears streaming down Virgil's flushed cheeks now, the color clearly visible without his make up. "You all make it so painfully clear that you could care less about me! You always do things against my will, even if they make me incredibly uncomfortable! Like the _Change_ video. You all ignored me when I said I didn't want to be changed, and you still. Did. It." Virgil's eyes opened to lock onto Patton's. The intensity of the glare was enough to make the parent look away in shame. "So, forgive me for believing you guys actually worry about me, since you haven't shown any damn care for me ever since I first was introduced to Thomas."

The room was silent after Virgil's outburst. All that could be heard was his staggering breaths as he fought off the urge to openly sob. It was Logan who spoke first. "Virgil... we... we really made you feel that way?"

Virgil shrugged. It seemed all anger from earlier had been sucked from his body. All that was left was exhaustion. "I mean, you definitely contributed. It was the voices who really pushed everything over the edge."

Patton looked up sharply. "Voices?"

"They sound like you guys sometimes." Virgil mumbled, shrinking into himself a bit more. "They say a lot of things, honestly. But they mostly tell me the things you guys have told me; that I'm a defeatist, that all I do is bring Thomas down, that you guys are better off without me." Roman paled when he realized that he had said almost all of those things to Virgil multiple times before. "Then they also come up with new ones; like Thomas would be better off if I were gone, that no one cares if I disappeared, that I'm not a real Side, and other things..." he shrugged. "That you all hate me."

There was a few more seconds of silence after Virgil finished. But the silence didn't last very long, for Patton soon launched himself out of his chair and - quite literally - onto Virgil. Roman squeaked in surprise and rolled out of the way before he could get squished as well. "Oh, Virgil," Patton whimpered, sobs wracking his body. Virgil laid there stiffly, eyes wide in shock. "Oh my goodness, I am so sorry... we're your family, we're supposed to make you feel loved and listened to, but all we did was make you feel useless..."

"Patton..." Virgil mumbled, a single hand coming up to rest lightly on Patton's back.

"No!" The cardigan-clad man snapped, pushing himself up onto his hands so he could stare at Virgil. "No, you are going to shut your mouth right now and listen to me. I'm so sorry that I haven't told you this before, but you are the absolute light of my life, despite always wearing such dark clothing!" Virgil went silent as Patton continued his rant. "When you first came into Thomas' mind, I wasn't at all thinking about how you were the embodiment of anxiety. I was thinking about how sad, and how terribly scared you looked. I was thinking about all the ways I could show you the love I really felt for you, and I was thinking of all the things I could do to make you feel cared for!" The tears just kept coming, some of them dripping down onto Virgil's own face. But he made no move to wipe them, and instead kept staring at Patton in shock. "I wanted you to feel like a part of our family, because I love you, dang it, and I would be absolutely heartbroken if you disappeared. Not just for Thomas, but because I wouldn't see your face again, and I wouldn't be able to get you your coffee in the morning, and I wouldn't be able to try and cheer you up when we record videos! Losing that would destroy me-- losing  _you_ would destroy me, Virgil."

"I--"

"If I may, Virgil," Logan cut the younger off, standing from his chair to impulsively adjust his glasses. "While I may not have had the same immediate reaction to you as Patton had, I do care significantly about your wellbeing. See, without you, Thomas wouldn't ever listen to me. Because with you constantly telling him about all the things that could go wrong if he ignored the logic of the situation, Thomas would never get anything done and his life would be a crippling disaster." Virgil's mouth opened slightly. "You... you also make me feel less alone." This made Virgil flinch suddenly in surprise, making Patton yelp and let go of him. "It's quite obvious how I struggle with emotions most of the time. Despite their trying, Patton and Roman just don't understand. But... you do, Virgil. You understand how overwhelming things can be for me sometimes. But not just for me, either. You noticed more than Roman and I when Patton's feelings were being pushed aside. You noticed when Roman was getting frustrated when he couldn't come up with an original idea. You notice the problem, and I've found that you subconsciously hint towards it until someone else notices, too. You may not fix the problem directly, but you  _do_ fix our problems, Virgil." Logan smiled, a hand coming up to wipe away the new tears that had accumulated during his speech. "You're not at all useless."

"Guys..." Virgil started, his voice soft and eyes watery. But he sharply shook his head after a moment, and grimaced as he pushed himself up. Patton's twitched with the urge to help him up, but the negative expression on his face stopped him. "As much as I enjoy seeing you grovel, you don't need to do this. You don't need to lie to me. I  _know_ I'm hard to deal with, and your reactions to me are completely understandable. So, please, don't lie about these things just to make me feel better."

"Virgil." Roman spoke up suddenly, shocking everyone in the room. The creative Side slowly walked over to the bed until he could sit on it, crossing his legs and turning to face Virgil head on. "I..." he let out an anguished sigh, struggling with finding the right words to say. "I used to think you were very black and white. I didn't see any middle ground. I used to think you would point out the flaws in everything just to torture Thomas and us. I used to think you  _enjoyed_ doing it." Now, he looked up, staring into Virgil's eyes with a soft smile. "But now, I realize just how terribly wrong I've been this whole time. Yes, being anxiety is the main point to your being. But that's not  _all_ you do! It's like Logan said! You're that little push that Thomas needs to get things done. You're the one who helps him put out perfect videos for his fans to enjoy! You're the one that everyone relates to, because they  _understand the things you go through_." That fact made Virgil reel a bit, leaning away from Roman cautiously. "You..." Roman took in a deep breath. "You have so many purposes, Virgil. You're not all negative. You're not all bad. You're probably better than  _us_ sometimes, heh." Running completely on impulse, Roman now leaned forward and reached towards Virgil's face. He took his face into his hands, thumbs rubbing against the pale skin soothingly. "You're not  _always_ the bad guy."

Virgil didn't do anything. He just stared at Roman in complete shock, body stiff and unmoving. His chest moved up and down in sharp movements, and his eyes quickly began to well up with fat tears. "Virgil--" Roman's worried words were broken off as the youngest aspect let out a rough breath, followed by a broken sob. The sound made Roman's heart burst with pain and empathy. Patton was ready to jump and comfort him, but before he could, the anxious Side had already leaned forward into Roman's arms. There, Roman hugged him tightly, one hand pressing into his back securely and the other winding into his hair to pet it gently. As his rough sobs continued, Logan and Patton sprung into action, Patton taking his right side and Logan taking his left side. For a good long while, that's where they sat. With Virgil shaking in Roman's arms, Logan rubbing his back, and Patton whispering short sentences on how much they loved him. After Virgil's cries started to die down into soft hiccups and erratic breathing, Roman inhaled deeply to start speaking, before Virgil cut him off.

"... are you guys going to leave me?" The question was near-silent, but everyone heard it clear as day.

"No!" Patton yelped out.

"Never." Roman reassured.

"Definitely not." Logan agreed.

"Virgil, we are never going to leave you." Patton insisted, reaching in to guide Virgil's face out. The parent wiped his tears away with a sad, but relieved smile. "I mean what I said earlier. You are part of this family, and family  _never_ leaves one of their own behind."

"I'm... family?"

"Yes. You are." Logan nodded, his glasses fogged slightly with tears.

"We love you so, so much, Virgil." Roman whispered, leaning up to press a soft kiss to Virgil's forehead. The anxious bean stiffened suddenly, before a serene expression came over his face, and he relaxed into Patton's grip.

"Thank you guys..." he mumbled out, his eyes starting to droop with clear exhaustion.

It took no more than a couple seconds for the other three Sides to come to a silent agreement. All moving in unison, they laid Virgil back onto the bed. His eyes quickly widened, obviously worried that they were going to leave him. But that smile soon returned when Roman started adjusting the blankets, and Logan took the heating pad as Patton pulled more pillows out from the closet. In less than a minute, all the Sides were cuddled up in that bed, with Virgil in the middle. Patton was to his left, Logan next to Patton, and Roman to his right. They all encompassed Virgil with such overwhelming warmth and love and attention that he soon found himself weeping again, but this time, out of happiness.

"I love you guys." Virgil hiccuped out, turning to curl into Roman's warm side. A soft chuckle was heard - probably from Roman - before the others responded altogether.

"We love you too."

" _Even when the dark comes crashing through_ ," Patton started singing, his voice quiet in the dark room. " _When you need a friend to carry you_ ,"

" _When you're broken on the ground, you will be found_." Logan continued, his usually-stoic voice full of emotion.

" _So let the sun come streaming in_ ," Roman started, and nodded to the other two to sing with him.

" _'Cause you'll reach up and you'll rise again_!" With Roman singing bass, Logan singing middle, and Patton singing falsetto, the three of them created a wonderful melody that sunk into Virgil's bones and made him relax.

" _If you only look around_ ," Patton continued.

" _You will be found_..." Logan held out the note cleanly and perfectly.

" _Out of the shadows, the morning is breaking, and all is new, all is new..._ " Roman started up, his chest vibrating with the notes of the song. Virgil found himself lulled by that feeling alone. " _It's filling up the empty, and suddenly I see, that all is new, all is new_!"

" _You are not alone,_ " Patton cooed, reaching out a hand to grab Virgil's, and intertwine their fingers.

" _You are not alone_ ," the logical side now joined in, this time reaching over Patton's body to grab the father's other hand, and hold it gingerly. Patton's smile widened at this.

" _You are not, you are not alone_..." Roman added, their joined voices filling the room.

" _Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need someone to carry you, when you're broken on the ground..._ " the oldest aspect broke off, snuggling into Logan's side further and letting his eyes slip shut.

" _You will be found! You will be found..._ " all three harmonized together, letting their voices soothe them all into a trance-like state.

Logan got ready to sing the last line, when they all were cut off by a soft, sleepy voice singing out, " _..._   _you will be found..._ "

A smile that all of them shared, but didn't realize, spread across their faces. The silence that followed was no longer stifling, but instead was filled with hope. A hope that things would get better. Maybe not immediately, but they would. For Rome wasn't built in a day. And these things aren't always fixed right away. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible.

...

" _... even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need someone to carry you..._ " Thomas sang softly to himself as he folded his clothes semi-neatly into his drawer. He paused after a moment, holding his classic Steven Universe shirt in his hands as he stared at the wall. Why was he singing that song? He hadn't sang Dear Evan Hansen in so long... so why was he thinking about it now? A nice, content warmth settled in his belly, and he found that he didn't really care that much about  _why_ it was stuck in his head. Instead, he thought about how happy and content he felt, and how much he  _really_ wanted to sleep. So, after clumsily folding that shirt and shoving it into his drawer, he collapsed onto his bed, leaving the unfolded laundry behind.

Distantly, Thomas was worried why he was feeling like this. He knew it had to do with something the Sides had done. But with the overwhelming urge to close his eyes creeping up on him, Thomas snuggled into his pillow and let that thought be a worry for another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowiewowow i just i really don't like this chapter but i feel so hecka guilty for posting so much later than i meant to so i apologize deeply and hope you take it before i cry


	5. he cries in the corner where nobody sees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow wow wow  
> i  
> hate myself for not uploading this sooner  
> ahah i love you all so much and i am so terribly sorry for leaving you all like that  
> this chapter is dedicated to LacrimosaTheDark for being an incredible beb and supporting me, even with a couple of words <3 Lacrimosa, if you're reading this, your comments really made a difference. thank you so much <3 <3 <3  
> aaaaa anyways to the chapter!!!!

None of the Sides have good sleep schedules. They are parts of Thomas, after all.

Logan often can't shut up his constantly-busy mind long enough to get a good rest.

Roman is always buzzing with new ideas that demand to be written down, so he usually can't stay still for too long.

Patton simply never felt tired, and always seemed the most awake whenever his head would hit his pillow.

Virgil was always kept up by constant what-if's and maybe's that he rarely could close his eyes. But when he would, they would always snap right open as the threat of a nightmare loomed on the horizon.

But this night seemed to be a special one.

Because all the Sides slept soundly.

With Virgil snuggling into Roman's chest and Morality cradling Logan gently, they were all lost in the sweet embrace of sleep. Their bodies were absolutely exhausted, and took the chance to sleep to their full advantage, making each Side sleep for a good 10 hours. Patton was the first to stir, cracking his eyes open as he felt his head ache slightly. He sat up and felt his brow for the source of the pain. Rolling his eyes at his foolishness, he pulled his glasses off his head and realized he had slept with them on. Turning to Logan, he also took his off, hoping that the younger aspect would be spared at least a little bit from the soreness.

Patton turned to look at the other two, and had to quickly stifle his squeals before he woke them all up. One of Virgil's arms was tucked under himself, while the other was curled loosely around Roman's waist. Roman's arms were thrown tightly around Virgil's shoulders, and the two seemed to be hugging each other almost desperately. Patton wasn't surprised if that was the case. The last day has been quite the doozy for all of them. Wow, all that happened in just a day. Patton thought in shock, sitting back and letting Logan rest a little while longer. It felt like forever, considering the circumstances... during his musings, Patton's hands found their way into Logan's neat hair, and began combing through it delicately. In his sleep, Logan hummed softly and scooted even closer to Patton's body. If holding back the squeals earlier was hard, then this was absolute torture.

Luckily, Patton wasn't left to suffer much longer, for Roman began to shuffle sluggishly about a minute later. His brown eyes opened slowly, and he lifted his hands to cover his mouth as he yawned loudly. "Morning, Prince Roman." Patton grinned, his tongue sticking out of his mouth a little bit.

"Good morning, Patton. How was your sleep?"

"It was actually really good, best I've gotten in a while. How about you, Roman?"

"I agree, I had the most wonderful sleep."

"... good morning." Came the muffled voice of Logan from where his face was mushed halfway into Patton's button down.

"Morning." Patton giggled, ruffling the other's hair a bit before continuing to play with it. Everyone was awake now, besides Virgil. Which was strange, because even though they all slept pretty deeply last night, Virgil is still a light sleeper. "Is Virgil up?"

"Uh, it doesn't seem so." Roman answered, reaching down to brush the youngest aspect's bangs away from his eyes. "Um, he looks pale. Like, way paler than yesterday."

"That shouldn't be so. We patched up his injuries and made sure he didn't lose anymore blood, so why is he--" Logan cut himself off sharply, bolting upright and staring at Virgil with wide eyes and an open mouth. "Oh, God."

"Logan?" Patton asked, startled and worried.

"We forgot to feed him yesterday!" Logan fretted, climbing off the bed and grabbing his glasses, not even bothering to fix his hair as he grabbed the plate of food he had prepared yesterday and checked if it was still good. Thankfully, Roman had got snacks that wouldn't go bad in just one day of being out. The juices might be warm at this point, but that was okay. If anything, the room temperature liquid would be less of a shock to Virgil's recovering body.

"Oh, crap." Patton agreed, shuffling out of the covers so he could get a better angle on Virgil. Roman joined him as they lifted his upper body and propped him up against the bed frame.

"... guys?" Virgil mumbled, shaking his head a little as he fought to open his eyes. "What's...?"

"You're weak from a bad combination of blood loss and low blood sugar." Logan answered swiftly, climbing onto the bed with the other two. His plate of food was on his lap.

"Oh, good."

Logan rolled his eyes at Virgil's sarcastic comment. The boy still had his sass, even when he was quite possibly on death's door. Well, that might be an exaggeration, but right now, Logan's emotions were running wild and he wasn't quite sure how to handle them. "Alright, Virgil, I'm sure you're very tired right now, but I'm going to need you to open your mouth for me. I'm going to feed you some snacks Roman got from the kitchen yesterday."

"Oh, no, they're poisoned, aren't they?" Virgil snickered, but cracked his eyes open and opened his mouth just as Logan had asked.

"Oh, shut up, you!" Roman teased, tapping the back of Virgil's head with his hand. Patton stifled a laugh, instead leaving the task of keeping Virgil upright to Roman as he helped hold the plate up for Logan.

Over the next five minutes, snacks were slowly being fed to Virgil. Things like broken crackers, pretzels, grapes, peanut butter crackers, gummies, and a whole glass of apple juice was slowly guided into Virgil's slack mouth. Eventually, the pale aspect held up a hand in signal to stop. They all watched as he slowly maneuvered his hands under himself, and managed to prop himself up without Roman's help.

"Yay!" Patton squealed, clapping his hands.

Roman grinned and gave Virgil a gentle high-five.

"Well done, Virgil." Logan nodded, adjusting his glasses and taking the food from Patton. "How do you feel, now?"

"I definitely feel stronger." Virgil mumbled. "Still weak, but I don't feel like wanting to sleep for a decade, so I guess that's good."

"Yes, it is!" The parental Side nodded, reaching forward to ruffle Virgil's dark hair with a proud smile. Said Side ducked away, an embarrassed smile spreading on his lips. "It's been about a day, should we change the bandages, Logan?" Patton turned to watch as Logan placed the plate down onto the larger platter with the rest of the food.

"Ah, yes, that'd be a good idea."

"I'll get the first aid kit!" Patton volunteered, then hurried off the bed and into his connected bathroom. Virgil chuckled slightly under his breath as he watched the oldest aspect scurry away like a mouse.

"How are your arms feeling, Virgil?" Logan questioned, sitting back down in front of the anxious boy.

A couple moments passed with Virgil just staring down at his bandage-clad arms. He huffed a breath, then looked up at Logan and said, "they ache a little, but it's nothing extreme. A little throbbing here and there, too."

"That's normal, since at least one vessel was burst." Virgil's flinch was missed as Patton re-entered the room and handed Logan the large white box with the red plus sign on it. "Alright, your arms, please?"

It took around five minutes to properly undress, clean, and redress Virgil's arms. They were still an absolute mess, and if anything, looked worse from the indents left from the bandages. But it was progress, even if none of them wanted to look at them for too long.

Logan had just finished with snipping the last piece of gauze when Roman stood from his perch on the end of the bed, and threw his hands into the air in a flamboyant gesture. "I almost forgot! Forgive me, I will be back in one moment." Was all he said before he sank down quickly, leaving Virgil to blink confusedly at Patton and Logan.

"Wonder what he forgot." Patton mumbled as he packed up the kit, then closed it tightly and set it on the floor beside the bed.

"Probably forgot to brush his hair for the first time today." Virgil smirked, laying back against the pile of pillows Patton had stacked for him. "He has to brush his hair a certain amount of times each day or else he goes crazy."

"Virgil!" Patton chastised through a barely-masked smile, while Logan sat off to the side with crossed arms, not even trying to hide his smirk.

The next couple of minutes was spent with Patton forcing Virgil to play normal patty-cake with him while Logan bemusedly flipped through a Calvin and Hobbes book that Patton kept in his bedroom.

Virgil was the one who noticed Roman's entrance first, since he primarily faced the doorway. He was expecting Roman to come back with his hair better styled and maybe a new tunic on, and while all that turned out to be true, he certainly didn't expect the prince to be holding a fuzzy dark purple robe and to have a small blue bird perched on his shoulder.

"Oh! Roman!" Patton chirped when he realized Virgil's attention was being focused on something behind him. The moment Patton noticed the bird, he squealed and slapped his hands onto his cheeks. "Roman! Why do you have a bird?"

"Bird?" Logan started, looking up with a quirked eyebrow.

"This is my friend." Roman introduced, holding his pointer finger out to the bird. It let out a single chirp then hopped on, settling down with fluffy feathers onto Roman's finger. "She's my alarm in the morning, and helps me remember all my important dates, either at the castle, or for Thomas." The creative aspect turned his gaze to Virgil. "I thought she could help a little bit here, too." As if on cue, the small creature hopped off of Roman's finger and smoothly fluttered over to Virgil's side. It landed on his heating-pad-clad stomach, and immediately relaxed at the soothing warmth. "She knows when to alert somebody for help, and can technically act a therapy animal." Then Roman stuck his hands out, the dark purple robe now coming into play. "I also procured this in my Room for you, Virgil. It's just a robe, but I thought it might make you feel more secure and stuff since you can't wear your hoodie right now..." Roman ducked his head, a light blush obvious on his cheeks as he muttered out the last part, "it's also quite soft."

Virgil's mouth hung open slightly as Patton stood to get the robe from Roman. The robe was then held out to him, and he just kept staring. A sharp and surprisingly loud chirp from his lap broke him out of his stupor and he lunged for the robe, grabbing it and holding it tightly to his chest. He inhaled slightly, smelling fresh fabric and what would smell like right after a rain storm. He let out a small sigh then remembered that he wasn't alone in the room. Virgil looked up, smiled sheepishly, then mumbled, "thanks, Princey."

A heavy sigh of relief escaped Roman's body as he smiled.

Patton broke the short-lived silence by reaching forward to stroke the blue bird's head gently. "Wow, she's so soft. Have you named her, Roman?"

"No, I actually haven't." Roman shook his head, coming up to sit by Logan at the foot of the bed. "I don't really name the animals that live in my kingdom. They usually have names for themselves, but she doesn't."

"Chirps."

"Hm?" Roman looked up to Virgil, who was staring down at the bird with a relaxed look on his face. "What was that, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance?"

Patton bit the inside of his lip to stop himself from smiling as Virgil responded, "we-- uh, you should name her Chirps. Because from what I've heard, she chirps a lot and is really loud. So... Chirps. Or Chirpy. Either one."

"Chirps." Logan cracked a small smile. "I like it."

"I, too, like it." Roman agreed.

"Me too!" Patton squealed, still fawning over how soft the bird's feathers were.

"Well, what do you think?" Roman asked, leaning over to look at the bird directly. "What do you think of Chirps?"

If birds could smile, Roman had no doubt that she would be smiling widely right now. She nodded, and let out a short trill in reply. "Well, it's settled! Her name is Chirps now."

"Yaayy!" Patton grinned, clapping his hands together. Virgil smiled tiredly, reaching out to pet the bird absentmindedly as he admired his father figure.

"Hey, guys?" Virgil started, bringing everyone's attention to him. He squirmed a bit under the looks, but continued. "Have you checked in with Thomas at all?"

Logan's mouth dropped open a bit, and Patton gasped softly. "Oh my goodness, we haven't." Roman muttered, his eyes wide. "Oh no, he must be so worried--"

The unmistakable feeling of their insides being tugged grabbed everyone's attentions. Patton was the first to sink, the heart immediately responding to the worry they all felt from Thomas. Logan followed, then Roman, and finally Virgil, who ended up taking the robe and Chirps with him. With four individual whooshes, all the Sides popped up in their respective spots, and were all shocked to hear Thomas shout out, "what the  _hell_ you guys?!"

Thomas took in a breath to continue his rant, but was cut off by Virgil's soft moan of distress. The shorter Side's knees started to buckle, and Logan immediately knew what was happening just as Virgil started to fall. Logan was there first, since he was the closest to him. Roman was next, helping Logan slowly lower Virgil to the floor so he wouldn't tumble down the rest of the stairs. Thomas watched this all with wide eyes, and Virgil flinched as he felt the panic slowly growing in his gut. Both Host and Side started to breathe unevenly, so Patton jumped into action to calm Thomas down.

The next few minutes went by incredibly quickly. Roman helped Virgil into the robe he had conjured for him while Logan joined Patton in talking to Thomas about why Virgil had suddenly collapsed. Speaking of Virgil, he looked quite a bit worse than in the bedroom. Because of the lack of the safe and cheery atmosphere in Patton Room, and the shock of being summoned instead of interrupting like he usually did, everything was now spinning around Virgil and he had the incredible urge to expel everything that he had eaten earlier.

"Wait,  _why_ is he experiencing blood loss and low blood sugar?!" Thomas shouted, making Patton flinch and whimper softly at the loud noise. Logan paused, realizing they had missed that part when explaining things to Thomas.

"Um, well, you see..."

"Oh my god, are those bandages?"

All Sides (sans Roman and Virgil) turned to see Roman had pulled up the sleeves of the robe briefly to adjust Virgil's bandages and make sure they were on correctly. While it was a nice gesture, Roman didn't realize that it also showed off the slightly-bloodied bandages, that did nothing to help Thomas' growing anxiety.

"What happened?!"

"Virgi-- um, Anxiety tried to..." Patton trailed off, suddenly very uncomfortable.

"Tried to what? Wait,  _Virgil_?" Thomas swayed, then lurched backwards so he could tumble onto the couch. "Oh my goodness you guys, my head is spinning. This is too much all at once."

"That's okay." Logan nodded, swiftly moving to the end of the couch and settling down on it with his hands in his lap. Patton followed by sitting next to Logan, and Roman helped Virgil over to the corner of the couch, where the youngest Side nuzzled himself into and hugged a pillow to his chest. Silently, Chirps fluttered down and settled herself onto Virgil's shoulder. Roman took a seat close by Virgil. "We'll take things slow."

"Thank you." Thomas breathed in deeply, then shook his head and looked to Logan. "Okay."

"Right." Logan cleared his throat, methodically fixed his tie and glasses, then started. "Well, let's start from the beginning, I suppose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> urg this would have had more but it was starting to get long and my insomnia is kicking my ass so i'm basically asleep on my keyboard and iukdfjbsjlw  
> i've fallen into my 2010 phase of avril lavigne and i'm not even the slightest bit sorry she is queen she is my queen i will fight you  
> also Chirps is the name of my new albino parakeet i got like 5 days ago and i love her and she is my bbbeeeeebbb


	6. ** not a chapter, i'm sorry **

hey guys!!! soo, it might be a lil bit till the next chapter... i am so sorry, but something happened today that really shook me up.

i feel bad for leaving you guys in the dark though, so i'll tell you so it makes a bit more sense.

i'm currently taking part as the Ensemble in the musical Footloose that my high school is putting on. it's tech week right now, which basically means we spend an hour at a time on the same fucking scene so the tech crew can understand what's happening. this means a lot of down time, and a lot of time to fuck around.

(if you know anything about the footloose musical) it's the scene where Reverend Shaw Moore is preaching to us about god n stuff. i'm on the third pew in on the left of the stage. in front of me is a couple of my friends, and this douche bag named Phoenix. i never really liked Phoenix from the beginning, because he's the literal embodiment of a fuckboy. got the hair cut, got the style of speech, got the tone of voice, got the walk. literally everything. and he stinks  _really_ bad and he's always got the greasiest hair.

soo, i'm just chillin on the bench with my friend Mallory to my right and this girl named Kaitlyn to my left. i'm talking with them and the girls in front of me, and trying to ignore Phoenix. at the beginning of the musical, i made it VERY CLEAR that i was a lesbian and had a girlfriend. but Phoenix has been persistently trying to hit on me despite my claims of being as gay as it can get. a couple days ago, he insisted that i had to sit on his lap so he try something (he's plays Chuck in the play, and i was "stepping in" for the girl who plays Ariel since she was busy at the time). that was already hella uncomfortable, since he made me do the take  _several fucking times_. but i mean, i could brush that off. he just needed help. oh, no. later on, i was sitting on the floor with my platonic soul mate Alexia laying across my lap as she tried to sleep. Phoenix comes over and starts talking, and i'm just tryna read my fuckin book. soon it's time for one of his scenes, and so he stands, says "see ya", and strokes my chin. yo that felt so disgusting i can't, just, ew.

BUTTTT that's not the worst my friendo ahah oh no ;v;

sooo, back to the church scene. i'm chillin and jokin with my friends and they're patting me and pushing me and i'm hella comfortable with it because i know these girls well and i'm okay with them. then Phoenix leans in and butts into the convo. i still wanna be nice though, so i go along with it and joke wit em. skip forward a bit, and he winks at me then licks his lips. i lean back, laugh nervously, and go "yo dude, i'm gay, sorry."

and he laughs it off and goes "ahah yeah, me too." :P he didn't seem to get it though, so i followed it up with the classic "and i'm taken, so..." he gets hella angry though and says "hey it was just a joke bitch, why you gotta get so angry about it?" mmyep

skip forward a bit more, and i've got my legs crossed in the classic girly pose (that shit comfy) and i'm just scrolling through thomas sander's tumblr. i look up to laugh at something my friend did, and then everything kinda went in slow motion. Phoenix leaned backwards (since he was sitting in front of me), and placed his hand on my upper thigh. he was touching the junction of where my thigh and hips meet, and his hand was spread out, so his thumb was touching my fucking. vagina. the pubic area, at least. i look at him, and he looks right in my eyes and says "are you triggered yet?" i was fucking frozen, my blood had turned to ice, and i swear to god i couldn't breathe. my thighs in general are a no-no place to touch, as long as it's just a quick touch. this however, was  _not_ a quick touch. the only people who can touch me there are my parents and my girlfriend, and sometimes Alexia.

it felt like forever that he stared at me like that, but in reality, it was only a few seconds. the girl to the left of me, Kaitlyn, lunges forward, slaps his hand away with such ferocity i flinched, and firmly says "don't touch her like that."

Phoenix recoils, holds his hand, and goes "hey hey, it was just a joke! don't get so angry!" (yes, he basically said the same thing as earlier)

i'm a nervous laugher, so i chuckle it off and go right the fuck back to my phone. immediately, i bring up my girlfriend's contact and tell her exactly what happened. a couple minutes later, Kaitlyn nudges me and asks if i'm okay. i say that i am, and she's like "ok, i'm just a little worried, because i could tell how uncomfortable you were about it all"

"yeah, thank you so much, though. you're a really good person" i say, smiling at her. she blushes and looks away, "how am i a good person?" she asks. "because you saved me from  _that_." i say, looking away from Phoenix and keeping my voice down. she just smiles at me, and then returns to the conversation the others were having. after that incident, the girls around me stopped being nice to him. they started deflecting jokes he would make, and since he made a lot of autistic, cancer, suicide, and retard jokes (yep, he's  _that_ kind of kid), they started telling him to stop when he would make those jokes. i felt uncomfortable, so i stood to find Alexia and tell her what happened. i swear to god, if looks could kill, Phoenix wouldn't stand a fucking chance the way that Alexia glared at him. soon the director shouted at me to return to my seat, so i did. at this point, i was still kind of shocked, so i didn't really recognize what had just happened.

scene over, and the director is working on the next scene, which i'm not in. i take my prop off, and once in the hallway, it starts to set in. i was pretty sure i just got sexually harassed, but part of me was insisting that i was just making a big deal out of nothing. it was still making me panic slightly, so i rush off to find my other best friend, Elaina. she sees the look on my face, and immediately hugs me. there, i start crying. but not loud crying. i'm a generally loud crier (when i let go), but otherwise, i hide my sobs by not breathing at all. which, y'know, isn't that fun. Elaina is hella concerned, so i tell her what happened, and she gets fucking pissed. my other friend, Jeff, comes over, and Elaina tells him, because i'm too busy trying not to have a fucking panic attack in the wings. i felt disgusted, and so angry that i froze up and let it happen. i also felt guilty, cause i was so convinced it wasn't a big deal and i was just being dramatic. before i know it, i'm having a panic attack - or least, slipping into one. Elaina immediately grabs a hand, places it on her chest, and leads me through a breathing exercise. nobody's ever done that with me before; i've always dealt with my panic attacks alone, and usually at night. but in about a minute, she has me breathing normally. at this point, multiple other cast members have come over worried as hell. one of the leads, Lindsay, comes over and doesn't ask anything. instead, she hugs me tightly, and tells me all the good things she thinks of me and that i'll be okay. that was such a huge fucking impact, since this is literally the most support i've ever gotten whenever i've cried. i thought Lindsay disliked me as well, since i'm a pretty annoying person most of the time.

the director comes backstage to order around some kids, so Elaina drags me over to tell her. i tell what happened, still crying, and she says she'll take care of it. at this point, my girlfriend is so fucking angry and is telling me to punch Phoenix in the dick and then ask him "are you triggered yet?" i love her so much what the heck

Jeff and Elaina are now telling me dad jokes to distract me, which works like a charm (damn it thomas, what have you done to me). skip forward about half an hour later, and one of the dance instructors comes over to me and asks me to tell her what happened. so i tell her everything that happened, from me telling him i was gay and taken, to him putting his hand on my thigh and smirking at me. she then nods, and says "we're going to resolve this right now." she calls him over, then brings me and Phoenix into the hall (per his request). she says that whatever happened needs to never happen again, and that we are not to interact with each other. she said if Phoenix talks to me, i'm to go to her, and if i talk to Phoenix, then he goes to her. i got kinda angry at this, cos i'd honestly rather die than hit on Phoenix, but y'know. the look Phoenix gave me afterwards scared me so fucking much i couldn't breathe until he went away.

i watched as the dance instructor went to tell the choir instructor what happened, and i could see her face contorting in disgust before she turned to look at me. i looked away, and went back to texting my girlfriend, who was insisting i shouldn't feel bad and that it wasn't my fault.

i honestly don't believe her, though. i feel like i just made things 10x more difficult in the play, and i regret ever telling the director what happened. thinking back to it makes me so unhappy and uncomfortable and wow i'm really close to relapsing right now. i just feel so gross and bad and i feel like i did something wrong, even though he kept hitting on me even when i made it  _very fucking clear_ that i was not, and never would be, interested. 

so... yeah. that's what happened today. i have the outline for the next chapter written up, but i feel so empty right now, i don't know if i'm gonna be able to actually sit down and write a 2k-3k chapter. not to mention i really want to die right now. i know that's bad and it's not the answer, but wowiewowow, everything hurts and i still think it's not a big deal and i really just hate myself and i hate my situation. i've been sexually harassed before, but it's always been online and i haven't told anyone about it (long story short, this guy coerced me into roleplaying nsfw scenes by guilt tripping me and claiming he had cancer so he could die any day and he just  _loved_ roleplaying with me.  i know for a strong fact that he was underage as well (i'm 16 for fucks sake) and so that just makes the whole situation 100x worse), but they were easier to get over since it wasn't physical. now, it feels like his touch is still there, and it's making my thigh so cold and uncomfortable and i hate it i hate it i hate it

i'm so sorry to bring down the mood of everything, but i felt really hecka guilty for not giving you a reason for why i might not upload too soon. not to mention my chest has been feeling like it's gonna burst unless i write out what happened. i hope you guys can understand, and i PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE to get the next chapter up as soon as possible!!! i really wanna write the next chapter, but... i can't find the motivation.

until next chapter, my babes, i love you all and i love your unknown faces and i hope you all have a fantastic rest-of-the-day.

love, definition_of_trash <3


	7. i finally want to be alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *claws up from the depths of hell* i retURN!!!  
> hoo lordy loo how can i apologize? no, i did not die. yes, i am okay. yes, the whole "sexual assault" incident is behind me now. yes, updates will hopefully be coming much more regularly than before. and yes, I AM SO FUCKING SORRY AND I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEARING WITH ME! i cannot express my gratitude enough to you all. i've literally been writing this chapter for about a month now, but i just... lost interest half-way through and didn't force myself to write. who knew that when you actually sit down and write, that you get things done? hmm.
> 
> TW: there is self-harm in here. not traditional cutting, but there is scratching and TONS of self-loathing thoughts. there is a happy ending. please be careful!!!

During the entire explanation, Virgil tried his hardest to tune everything out by focusing on the bird settled on his shoulder. He would stroke her back, scratch her head, or even let her nibble on his painted fingernails as she warbled softly to him. Anything to ward off that dark, looming feeling in his gut that made him want to cry his soul out.

In the end, Thomas took the news surprisingly well. Once Logan delved into the darker parts of the story, Virgil found that Thomas was staring at him almost non-stop with a slightly ajar mouth and sad eyes. The moment the story was over, Thomas immediately scooted over to Virgil's side (the sight of him literally scooting on the cushions made him want to laugh) and held his arms out, silently asking for a hug. Virgil conceded, Patton ended up making the embrace a massive hug-pile, and that was how Virgil came to be where he was now.

In the middle of a cuddle pile, surrounded by his fellow Sides and Thomas, along with countless pillows and blankets, and watching Mulan. They were just at the part where Mushu and Mulan met for the first time, and Mushu getting angry and insulting Mulan's "cow" made Virgil giggle quietly into his pillow. He thought he had been quiet enough for the others not to hear, but the side-looks and small smiles thrown around him proved otherwise.

Even as Patton and Roman happily sang along to "Make a Man Out of You", even as Logan quietly mumbled to himself to absurdities of the other soldiers never getting the hint that "Ping" was actually Mulan, and even as Thomas cheered silently for Mulan as she saved China, that dark hole in Virgil's gut persisted. It seemed to suck any potential happiness out of any possible situation. If Virgil was lucky, he would get in a few chuckles with the others before that looming sadness made his smile turn sour.

Mulan had just ended and now the others were debating what movie they should watch next. They all eventually landed on Beauty and the Beast, as it seemed to satisfy all of them. Patton left to get some snacks, Roman was up and putting the disc in, which left Logan, Thomas, and Virgil still in the mediocre pillow fort.

Virgil was resting his head on his pillow, hoping the warm fabric of it would soothe the annoying headache he had going on, when he felt a hand hesitantly graze his robe-clad arm. He looked up, thankful that the touch had been on his bicep, and not his forearm. Thomas was staring at him, his brown eyes filled with worry and his smile turned up slightly at the corners. "How are you feeling, Virge?" He asked softly, not wanting to disturb Logan, who was on his phone and seemed to be scrolling through a news article or something.

Thomas was staring at Virgil with such intensity he found it difficult to lie to him. But after some internal struggling, the anxious bean forced a smile on his face and looked away. "I'm doing alright, Thomas." He mumbled, subtly moving his arm away from his host's hand.

The couch cushions dipped slightly, signaling Roman had returned from putting the DVD in. "What's happening?" He asked cheerfully, catching on to Thomas' hurt expression and Virgil's uncomfortable one.

"Nothing," Thomas smiled, turning away from Virgil to look at his creative Side. "Just making sure Virgil was okay."

"Are you?" Roman asked, and Virgil now had two reasons to cry.

"Yes." Was all he got.

Roman's disbelieving grimace made the anxious Side want to vomit. But before he could be interrogated any more, Patton came skipping into the living room, grinning brightly and bearing delicious snacks. "Are you guys ready for Stockholm Syndrome and eventual happy endings?!"

...

Dear god, Virgil could not take any more of this torture!

The movie wasn't bad, no. The movie was quite good. And the people surrounding him weren't the problems either. It was that damn voice in the back of his head, saying things that would turn his blood to ice and make him shiver, despite being encompassed in at  _least_  a dozen different blankets. Why Thomas had these many blankets while he lived alone, Virgil had no idea – they were probably for Joan and Talyn.

The presence of that demon was starting to become unbearable. He stopped enjoying the film quite a while ago, and was now focusing entirely on keeping his breathing even so as not to tip off any of the other people around him. But soon, he just had enough. The pressure in his chest was way too much to handle, and his arms were itching like the bandages were laced with poison ivy. "H-hey, guys?" Virgil spoke up, working his hardest ever to keep his voice from shaking too much. "I really need to pee."

"Okay, kiddo!" Patton chirped, moving to the side and providing Virgil the escape he so desperately needed. "Don't be too long! You'll miss the movie!"

"Will do, dad." Virgil smiled, although it felt too much like a grimace. Fighting to keep himself from sprinting up the stairs, Virgil kept a steady pace until he was well out of eyeshot of his family. Once he was in the clear, he hurriedly made his way to Thomas' bathroom, and shut the door. This was when his whole body seemed to be wracked by an earthquake. His hands were shaking like hell as he locked the door. His legs were shaking as he leaned against the wall across from the sink. His breath was unsteady as he slid down the wall, breaths coming out in harsh sobs. He was on the verge of crying. He so desperately wanted to cry, to get these unwanted emotions out in the form of salty tears. But he couldn't. The tickling sensation of crying was teasing him at this point, and it was all he could do not to scream at this very moment.

The silence in the bathroom started to come to life. It swam around him, morphing into different forms and faces and voices that seemed to drown him in their words.

_They just feel bad for you; do you really think they care this much for you?_

_They're treating you this way because they need you for Thomas. They don't want you. You were never wanted._

_Look at you. How pathetic can you get? While they're downstairs having a nice time watching a movie, you're up here trying not to have a panic attack and relapse._

Relapse.

That word rang around Virgil's head like the goddamn Liberty Bell.

Suddenly, the itching in his arms made sense.

He grabbed at the bandages, digging his short fingernails into them and gaping in dismay when he realized the bandages were so thick, he couldn't feel anything through them. The itching sensation seemed to intensity tenfold as he started to panic, his outer extremities starting to feel cold and numb. Somewhere in the back of his head he recognized he was losing oxygen, and that he needed to regulate his breathing as soon as possible. But even as Virgil struggled to breathe regularly, it seemed his lungs had a mind of his own. He soon started gasping for air, his hands coming up to his head and grabbing at his hair and  _pulling_. Pulling so hard he could feel that twinge of pain that took away a bit of the panic surrounding him.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't speak, he couldn't think, he was going to  _die_! He was going to die, after all the stuff Logan, and Patton, and Roman did for him. All of that was going to be in vain, because Virgil was going to  _die_  if something didn't happen.

_Hurt._

Virgil froze.

_Hurt yourself_.

No. Oh god, no. Even before his suicide attempt, Virgil never  _once_  contemplated hurting himself on purpose. That would only serve to hurt Thomas. And yeah, while his attempt would have also hurt Thomas, it would have at least been a one-time thing. Self-harming is a continuous thing, that never really stops affecting you. Damn Logan, and his educational video seminars at 8 in the morning.

_It'll make the panic go away_.

Would it, though? Logically, self-induced pain would just intensify these negative emotions. Not much else in Virgil's life has made that much sense anyways, so...

But his arms were bandaged. What else could he do?

Virgil's thoughts suddenly directed to something he had seen once on a midnight tumblr deep-dive. He shivered at the thought of it, absolutely repulsed at the fact that he was contemplating it. If it would help, then what’s the trouble...?

Breathing uneven and not providing nearly as much oxygen as he needs, Virgil grabbed at his belt and undid it. With the belt out of the way, he tugged his jeans down, and stared at his thighs with blank eyes. His legs were milky white, with some muscle toning and a bit of fatty tissue. He placed his shaking hands on them, feeling his cold hands contrast with his warm thighs. Then, he curled his fingers slightly, so his fingernails were touching the skin directly. Then he dug down, and pulled.

The ten lines of angry red popped up almost immediately, and Virgil could see some skin was peeling up from where he had dug down a bit harder than intended. Pain wracked through his legs, up through his torso, and into his head. And like that, the haze of panic and depression lifted a bit. A grim, but relieved smile crept its way onto Virgil face as he raised his hands again, not even waiting for the aftershocks of the last scratch to go away, before doing it again. And again. And again.

Virgil knew where Thomas kept his disposable razors, used for shaving. He knew it would take him less than a couple minutes to dismantle one. But he knew he didn't have the mental capabilities to do that right now. So, this would have to do. _For now_ , a voice in the back of Virgil’s head sang, making him grit his teeth and dig his fingers in harder than he did before.

Suddenly, there was a thump on the door. Virgil froze, head snapping up to stare at the door with blurry eyes. He hadn't even realized he started crying. "H-hello?" Virgil called out, forcing his voice to be strong and, in return, stuttering more than he would normally.

It was silent on the other side of the door. Then a soft chirp could be heard, and Virgil's thighs seemed to burn with even more intensity than before. He reveled in the feeling, tilting his head back against the cold plaster and letting the physical pain chase away his mental pain. "Chirps?" He laughed lightly, slumping a bit in relief. Then he realized what the bird would probably do if she thought Virgil was hurt. "U-um, I'm okay, Chirps." He tried to reason, voice still shaky as his fingers were still posed mid-scratch. Skin that had peeled up were stuck under his fingernails, and looking at that made the back of Virgil’s throat itch with the need to vomit. "Just, ah, going to the bathroom." Still silence. Virgil let himself sigh out in relief, and looked away from the door. The bird was probably gone, and Virgil was probably okay. He lifted his hands to scratch again, but froze at seeing the damage he had done.

Up and down his thighs were lines, all different shades of red. They were all perpendicular to each other, and all of them were pulsing and burning with their own individual pain. The sight of them made his body shake, but also made him smile. Something about seeing his self-destruction calmed him. Like this was something he could control in his otherwise-chaotic life.

With a deep sigh that left him feeling warm and fuzzy, Virgil used the wall to support himself as he stood. He had been in the bathroom for too long now, and figured he should put his pants on and get back out there before the others started to worry too much. He had just gotten his first leg into his pants, when someone knocked on the door, startling Virgil. Birds didn't have hands, so that was either his Host or one of the Sides. "Virgil?" Oh, shit, that was Roman.  _Exactly_  who Virgil wanted at this exact moment!

“Yeah?” Virgil choked out, clearing his throat from invisible gunk. His throat burned as if he had been screaming the entire time he was in here. _Was he?_

“Patton’s upset and worried because you missed his favorite part.” Virgil chuckled softly to himself, imagining Patton sitting through the _Be Our Guest_ scene with a scowl on his face. “I noticed you weren’t acting too well out there. Are you okay?”

“Of course I am, Princey. Why wouldn’t I be?” Virgil forced humor into his voice as he yanked up his pants the rest of the way, cringing at the way the rough denim rubbed against his scratches. They pulsed angrily, but didn’t make him stutter in his movements.

“Virgil.”

“Yes?” He knew what was coming next.

“Could you open the door, please?”

Virgil sighed out, afraid the royal side would ask that. He made sure his belt was on and nothing looked out of the ordinary, before walking over to the door and unlocking it. He opened it, and was met with Roman’s concerned eyes. He absolutely _hated_ that look on Princey’s face. It didn’t belong there at all.

The anxious Side forced out a wide smile, his eyes dark and contrasting his grin. “See? Perfectly fine.”

Roman’s eyes roamed up and down Virgil’s body twice before he sighed and stepped forward. Virgil stumbled back into the bathroom in result, and watched as Roman walked in after him before turning and locking the door. The fact that Roman locked the door both comforted and startled Virgil. “Um, what’cha doin’ there, Prince Underarm Stink?”

From his standpoint, Virgil could see Roman’s shoulders shake briefly with silent chuckles. But the moment was short lived as the Prince turned around, and wilted noticeably. “Take off your pants, please.”

Immediately, Virgil’s blood turned to ice and shivers wracked his body. His hands started shaking as he grabbed at the sides of his robe. The soft material calmed him slightly, but not enough. “Uh, heh, can I ask why?”

“Virgil, please don’t play dumb with me right now.” Roman smiled sadly, locking eyes with Virgil and making him incredibly uncomfortable. “I know you hurt yourself. Please, let me see.”

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t fucking breathe, but he also couldn’t leave Princey hanging. So, with slow and jerky movements, Virgil unbuckled his belt once more and shoved his pants down to his ankles. The embarrassment of Roman seeing him in his underwear overrode his other emotions as Roman frowned deeply at his thighs. “Oh, Virgil.” He whispered, voice full of sadness and remorse. That’s when he broke.

His shoulders slumped forward and his body seemed to curl in on itself. He pressed his bandaged arms to his chest, and sobbed openly. “I’m so sorry!” He cried out, barely recognizing when strong arms surrounded him and lowered him slowly to the floor. “I’m so sorry, oh God, I’m so sorry!”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, Virgil.” Roman whispered out, rocking them both back and forth while pressing Virgil’s face into his chest. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

“Yes, I do.” He could barely force the words out, his chest was heaving so badly. “I did it again. I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t stop and I had to and I’m so sorry!”

“Hey.” Roman’s firm voice pushed back the haze surrounding him slightly, allowing him to look up with puffy eyes. A warm hand came up and brushed through Virgil’s hair, immediately making him relax and slump further into Roman’s chest. “This,” that same hand now fell to Virgil’s thigh, pressing into the scratches. The bumps under Roman’s fingers made bile rise in his throat, but he forced it down. The warmth chased away the pain, and Virgil found himself closing his eyes at the pleasant feeling. “This is not your fault. There are demons in your head trying to make you believe that this is the right thing to do. And as a prince,” the hand left his thigh and nudged his chin upwards, “isn’t it my job to chase the bad guys away?”

“But _I’m_ a bad guy.” Virgil hiccupped out, pressing his chin into Roman’s touch. The Creative Side smiled fondly at this.

“If you were a bad guy, wouldn’t I have chased you away at this point?” Oh. “If you were a bad guy, then would I be sitting here right now, missing one of Thomas’ favorite movie so I can worry over you?”

Virgil smiled back, closing his eyes. “Every Disney movie is Thomas’ favorite.”

Roman chuckled, the vibrations transferring from his chest to Virgil’s, and relaxing him even more. Now, there was a happy cloud surrounding him, making him feel floaty and content. He wanted to stay here forever. “This is true, haha.” There was a brief silence where Roman and Virgil just sat there, Princey’s thumb tracing circles into Virgil’s jaw and relaxing the both of them.

But all good things had to come to an end. “Virgil, look at me, dear.” The anxious Side looked up, eyes significantly less puffy but still pretty red. “You’re struggling through these shadows and demons in your head right now, I get that. But you cannot forget those around you.” The hand was in his head again, pulling at the strands and sending pleasant shivers up Virgil’s spine. He had forgotten how nice it felt to be touched affectionately. “We are all here to help you rise when you fall down. Patton, Logan, Thomas, and I are willing to help you through whatever you need help with.” Roman leaned down, and slowly pressed his forehead to Virgil’s own. “You just need to let us in.”

Virgil’s eyes welled up, emotion-driven tears spilling over and wetting his cheeks once again. He sniffled once before smiling a sad smile and nodding. “O-okay.”

Roman’s mouth stretched into a happy grin, and he let out a relieved laugh. “Good.” He then leaned back, and nodded down to Virgil’s thighs. Who, now that the attention was back on them, started to throb once more. “Let’s get some lotion on those, yeah?”

Rubbing lotion into the scratches (and some ointment into the deeper ones that started to sprout blood drops) took no more than three minutes, and once it was done, Roman helped Virgil back into his pants and encouraged him to leave his belt behind. Soon enough, the pair was back downstairs, after Roman had rubbed Virgil’s face with a cold wash cloth and helped him look less like he had been crying for the past half hour. The moment they stepped onto the stairs, the creaking alerted Patton and made him snap his head towards the door. “Boys!” He exclaimed, startling Logan so much he nearly fell off his perch on the armrest. “You okay? Where were you?”

Roman smiled, and shook his head. “We’re okay. Uh,” a quick nod from Virgil gave him all the permission he needed. “Virgil had a little relapse in the bathroom.” The cringe from his opposite almost made him apologize, but he knew that if they kept some things secret, it would just hurt Virgil in the long run. Simultaneous gasps came from Thomas and Patton, while Logan gazed at Virgil with a sad frown and questioning eyes. “He’s alright, there’s no extensive damage done.” Patton let out a puff of air, relief strong in his body movements. “But I have a feeling that once Beauty and the Beast is done, we’re due for some Black Cauldron. Right?” Roman smiled sly, shouldering Virgil slightly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the emo Side smile slightly, raising his mood through the roof.

“Yeah!” Patton agreed, turning to the TV to check how much time of the film was left. “There’s about 10 minutes left. Think you can handle that, Virge?” He grinned playfully at his platonic son.

Virgil smiled back, feeling like the 50-pound weight on his chest had been lifted and he could finally breathe full lungs of air.

“I think I’ll manage.” He joked back, letting himself be dragged back to the group, where he was greeted by many enthusiastic hugs and a comforting pat on the back from Logan. They soon got settled comfortably, and continued watching the movie, each of them reacting accordingly as Gaston fought the Beast.

As Virgil sat there, he could tell when the demons tried to come back to attack him. He could hear the starting of their faint whispers, determined to make him doubt himself and spiral back into that never-ending pit of depression. But every time they started up again, Virgil would push himself into whoever was nearest him (Roman or Patton, but usually Roman) and silently ask them for comfort. Whoever was there always seemed to know exactly what he needed, and would firmly cuddle him until the dark thoughts melted away and were replaced with overwhelming love and affection. This went on through the night, and after eating plenty of snacks and watching two more Disney movies, the group decided to break up for the night. Patton insisted that Virgil come to sleep with him for the night – both so that if Virgil had another episode, someone would be there, and also so the comfort of Patton’s room would boost his recovery.

That night, Virgil would be awake an hour after Patton had fallen asleep. And in the father-figure’s cuddly hug, he would think. He would think about all that had transpired in the last few days, and would be in awe at how much progress he had made in just that small period. Sure, he relapsed and almost did things he would regret later on. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t progress in his recovery. Relapse was part of recovery, after all, and the road to being clean was not going to be easy. But as he thought of Patton, and Logan, and Thomas, and Roman, he knew he would be okay. His family would help him, and would be there no matter what. That last empowering thought filled him with warmth and determination as he drifted off to sleep. He’d never stop fighting these demons in his head.

Not until they were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed this one. i'm not sure if this story will go on much longer. i have a couple ideas that could power a few more chapters, but that'd be about it. if any of you have any ideas to make this story longer, PLEASE comment them below!!! i'll give you the needed credit if i end up using one of your ideas. but besides that, i don't predict this story lasting much beyond 10 chapters. 11 or 12, if i get a sudden bout of inspiration. but yeah,,,, this was really nice to write. not too proud of what happened in it, but i am really surprised i got nearly 4k words out (it was a total of 9 pages in Word, at font size 10.5 and font Lucida Sans Unicode). neato.
> 
> again, thank you for reading, and i hope you'll stick around for the rest of this story! updates should be more frequent (like before), but i'm afraid to make promises to i don't let y'all down if things don't end up going my way :( i love you all so very much, i appreciate every one of your existences, and i hope you - yes, you, dearest reader! - have a wonderful rest of your day. <3 <3 <3


	8. carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dear GOD that took way too long um three months what ter fuock
> 
> this chapter is inspired by a hella bad flu i caught about a month ago that rendered me motionless and i had to miss two days of school (i rarely miss school, so y'all know i was feeling real nasty) in return. hehe i had an ailment? i think you mean viRGIL has an ailment >:DDDDDDD suffer me boi
> 
> also,,,,,,, deceit???? like no stop go away leave my bois alone

_No. No. Nonononono! No, this was_ not _happening. I’m alright. I’m fine. I’m completely okay. Nothing to worry about, nope! I’m okay._

That’s what Virgil kept telling himself as he sat upright in Logan’s bed, his chest heaving as he fought back coughs that burned his chest like an open flame. The cut along his left arm throbbed with renewed strength, and the pain that radiated from it took his breath away whilst the coughing demanded he take in more air. Virgil felt like he was absolutely burning up, and sweat prickled along his skin from the blankets he was trapped in. The room spun around him, and he couldn’t seem to focus on one thing for longer than a few seconds. He was sick. He was so terribly sick, but it seemed that denial was more than a river in Egypt, for Virgil refused to wake up Logan for help.

He couldn’t be sick. He had been doing so good! After he relapsed in the bathroom that one movie night, he had been transferred from one Room to another for each night. Tonight, he was in Logan’s Room, and the overwhelming tidiness and organization of it all was starting to get to him.

_Wake him up!_ The logical side of himself screamed as his left cut pulsed again, making Virgil bite back a cry of pain. _He, and all the others said they would be there if you needed them! They wouldn’t lie! You’re in trouble, wake. Him. Up!_

_Don’t._ The negative sneers came back, influencing another strong hack that was held back with tears and silent sobs. _He’s sleeping. You’ve already caused so much pain for them, the least you can do is let him have a good night’s sleep. Well, as good as it can get with_ you _in the room._

_Don’t listen to him!_ The logical voice cried out again, the strength coming from it making Virgil raise his hand above Logan’s shoulder, prepared to poke. But he wrenched his own hand back like something invisible had burnt him, and instead settled for trying to wiggle out of the constricting duvet without bothering the sleeping Side beside him.

“I’m fine.” Virgil whispered to himself, his voice barely audible, but sounding like an elephant in the silence of the Room. “I am fine. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s—hrrk!” Virgil’s teeth sank into his bottom lip, the pain distracting him as the room around him suddenly started spinning and nothing seeming to be in focus. Oh god, he was so in trouble. This wasn’t good. But he just couldn’t wake Logan. He couldn’t.

_Maybe Patton?_ The logical voice, now severely quieted by the negative one, peeped out. Virgil paused, thinking. It wasn’t a bad idea. The fatherly trait would certainly know what to do, and wouldn’t be upset at Virgil for waking him up at—

Virgil reeled, almost falling backwards upon seeing the time. _Three am?!_ Nope, that was it, plans are cancelled, he’s not waking anyone up for at least another four hours. Nodding to himself (although that just caused even more problems for his dizziness), he mentally accepted his fate and laid back down, as far away from Logan as he could be, and took deep breaths. If he focused hard, he could take his attention away from the clearly-infected cut on his left arm and think about something else. What else was there to think about, though? Maybe that audition for a play the community theatre was putting on just down the street, that Thomas really wanted to consider. Joan had some creative ideas for a new Sanders Sides video, that they seemed really excited about. Um… oh! Talyn dyed their hair a new color a couple days ago! It’s a nice red color, with a pleasant Ombre into pink as it reached their bangs…

_Holy shit!_ Virgil convulsed into himself, his left arm pressing into his chest as his mouth opened in a silent cry. That hurt way more than the other pulses did. That felt like someone was digging a screwdriver into his cut! Oh god, no matter how much Virgil tried to drown this out, no amount of denial could conquer the fact that he was really in trouble now.

“Virgil?” A low, slurred voice came from next to him. The anxious Side froze, realizing too late that his reaction to the pain must have jostled awake the logical Side next to him. Now sitting up, Virgil felt Logan start to come to, the lamp on his side of the bed turning on as the other fumbled with his glasses. “What’s wrong?”

Virgil went to try and convince Logan that nothing was wrong, and that he was just fine, but the moment he opened his mouth, his chest convulsions seemed to jump to the opportunity by letting _everything_ out. So, Virgil ended up doubling over the side of the bed, never vomiting but coming so damn close to it. He coughed so hard his eyes watered, his throat burned, and his chest felt like it was constricting in on itself. He could barely get enough air in before another attack was wreaking havoc on his body, causing him to start to sob once the coughing finally started to calm down. He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die, all because he was a fucking coward and couldn’t wake someone up!

Finally, Virgil became aware of the warm, solid hand on his back, rubbing in small circles and successfully calming him down. His left hand was suddenly picked up, and although he couldn’t see it, he could feel someone – was that Logan? He was really concerned at the fact that he couldn’t remember anything that had just happened moments prior – pressing his hand onto a firm chest. The chest rose and fell steadily, in a pattern that Virgil knew all too well. So, he followed it. In for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, and out for eight seconds. This continued for a good couple minutes until Virgil felt steady enough to lean back up and look at Logan’s uncharacteristically worried face. “How long have you been awake like this?”

Virgil glanced back to the clock. It read 3:16. When he first woke up, it had been at 2:33. “Around forty minutes?” He shrugged noncommittally, wincing at the feeling of Logan’s harsh stare burning into his back.

“Virgil! That’s far too long for you to have been like this.” Logan chastised, beginning to climb out of bed. Virgil immediately felt terrible for making the other leave his cozy cocoon of warmth, although to Virgil, it felt a prison of fiery hell. “Something is obviously wrong. Come to the bathroom.”

“Wow, I didn’t even realize something was wrong.” Virgil grumbled, not really annoyed, but he found pushing his guilt into sarcasm was a _terrific_ way of dealing with it.

The look Logan gave him was nothing out of the ordinary, but it quickly transformed into something much more careful as Virgil stumbled into the now-lit bathroom with him. The bright lights stung at Virgil’s eyes, making him whimper on instinct. The soft, sad sound sent a bolt of pain to Logan’s heart, the logical Side leading him to sit on the sink counter. “What are your symptoms, Virgil?” Logan said calmly, keeping a cool composure to hopefully reassure the other Side.

It worked. “Um, a really bad cough, heat flashes, pain on my arm, shortness of breath, spinning room, no focus, headache…” Virgil listed off what he could remember, feeling his focus on the whole situation start to drift.

Logan stiffened at the mention of pain in his arm. “Which arm?” He inquired quickly, hoping to all that is holy that it wasn’t what he thought it was. They had been so careful!

Virgil silently held out his left arm, slumping backwards to rest his head against the cold mirror behind him. The temperature difference sent a shock up and down his spine, but he didn’t move. Besides the fact it didn’t feel like he had enough strength to move, he also savored the feeling, for it was at least _something_ other than stabbing pain.

Logan shakily took the other’s arm, grabbing scissors from a drawer beside him to snip off the gauze. Immediately upon being released to the air, a light smell spread around the room, sour and disgusting. The logical Side inhaled sharply, staring at the wound in disbelief.

Two days ago, when Logan had last changed Virgil’s cuts, they both had yellow-tinted scabbing along the corners, and they were pink and white and _clean_. The blood had stopped, and it was clear his body was working very hard to patch itself together. Everything was going so well! But now, it seemed all was for naught. Now, the cut was inflamed, the edges puffing up with an angry red. Greenish-yellow puss was emerging in one area of the cut, while the other areas matched the skin around it with its painful-looking coloring. Logan grimaced, looking up to Virgil. The poor boy seemed half-asleep against the cool mirror behind him. He couldn’t blame him, though, for after briefly feeling his forehead with the back of his hand, the pulsing warmth he felt would have been uncomfortable for _anyone_!

“What happened?” Logan mumbled to himself, shaking his head as he started to cut open the right bandages. That cut was perfectly fine, just as clean and pretty – well, as pretty as a self-inflicted suicide cut could be – as the last time he saw it. So, for good measure, he quickly cleaned it with a wet rag, dolloped on some ointment, and wrapped it up in new gauze. Virgil didn’t move for this entire procedure. His infected arm laid limply on his lap, looking painful as you could _see_ it throb with Virgil’s pulse. “I kept it clean, I kept an eye on it, everything was going so well… what on earth happened?!”

“Logan?” A voice rough with sleep asked from the doorway behind him. Logan turned, seeing Patton standing there, dressed in his cozy cat onesie and looking worried and alert, albeit a little sleepy. “I felt something was wrong. What happened?”

Logan let out a rough sigh, letting Patton know it wasn’t something good. “This happened.” He moved to the side, letting Patton see Virgil’s infected arm. The heart gasped sharply, both hands flying up to his mouth in shock. Logan lifted the arm, lowering his face slowly and taking in a quick whiff of the wound. He recoiled quickly, the sour and bitter stench of infection making bile rise instinctually in his throat. “I don’t understand what we did wrong.” He mumbled to himself, tone defeated. “We kept it clean! It shouldn’t be infected! Not now…”

“Hey, Logan,” mentioned Side turned, only to come face-to-face with the emotional Side. Logan’s cheeks immediately went hot, as there was less then half a foot of space between their two faces. Patton smiled warmly, raising his hands and holding Logan’s face firmly. The pressure was solid, and comforting, and Logan found himself starting to lean into it, eyes fluttering ever so slightly. Patton’s little giggle showed that he had noticed, giving Logan even more reasons to be embarrassed. “This is crappy, but it happened, so we can’t worry about what we could have done in the past.” Patton leaned forward, and pressed their foreheads and noses together, their eyes closing simultaneously. “Nothing good will come from crying about what happened before. Right now, we gotta focus on the present, and help make the future as pleasant as it can be. You’re smart, Logan. Out of all of us, you’re the one who can fix this the best.” Patton leaned back, letting Logan finally take a breath. “What supplies do you need? I may not be the best in first aid, but I can help in anyway you need me to.”

Logan puffed out a sigh, closing his eyes briefly before opening them in shock. Patton had reached up on his tip-toes and had pressed a quick kiss to the logical Side’s forehead. Once Patton had come back down, and Logan had a moment to breathe, he nodded and turned away from the emotional Side. “Hmm…” he hummed to himself, taking Virgil’s state into consideration. Determination flowed through his veins, making him feel strong and brave. He could do this. He could fix Virgil. But what to work on first…? “A rag.” He turned to Patton, who immediately perked up at the prospect of helping the logical side. “His fever has to be around 102 degrees, so he’ll need something cold – preferably a damp rag. Could you get that started while I start to clean his wound?”

“Sure can do, teach!” Patton saluted Logan quickly before scrambling to his towel cabinet and grabbing two small hand towels. One was handed to Logan, and the other was ran under a stream of cold water from the tap. The towel was wrung out, then Virgil’s bangs were moved aside to set the damp towel on his forehead. The sudden cold jolted the anxious Side slightly, making him groan and his face contort in discomfort. Patton jumped to comforting him, leaving Logan to wet his own towel with lukewarm water and begin to clean out the cut. Each time Logan dipped into the gash to scoop out the pus, Virgil would cry out and Patton would shush him soothingly. Soon (but what felt like hours to them all), the weeping liquids were cleared from Virgil’s cut, and it was time to soothe the irritated skin. Small amounts of ointment were dabbed into the deeper parts of the cut, but besides that, Logan kept the area relatively dry. Thick gauze was wrapped around Virgil’s arm afterwards, and was bound securely, but not too tightly. Once Logan had assured Patton he was finished, the emotional Side helped Virgil back into his bedroom as Logan began to put his supplies away. He washed his hands thoroughly, then strode back into the bedroom to see Virgil being laid into the bed, with a thin blanket laid over him.

“Should we tell Roman?” Patton asked once Virgil had been settled in, fast asleep with his mouth open slightly, breathing heavily through the open orifice.

“I’m not sure.” Logan sighed, pushing up his glasses with one hand while briskly walking over to Patton. “It doesn’t seem too paramount right now, I’m unsure whether it would be worth waking Roman over.”

Patton nodded, understanding. “I feel about leaving him out of the loop, though. He wakes up pretty early, right? I’ll write him a note for him to find when he wakes up. That way, he’s kept in the loop, but since it’s not too serious, he doesn’t lose sleep… that’s good, right?” The heart turned to Logan, eyes wide and worried. The logical Side stood still, eyes flickering from side to side as he was unsure of what to do.

“Uhm… sure?”

“Awesome! Thanks, Logan.” Patton threw his arms in the air in happiness, before bringing them down around the other’s shoulders to give him a tight hug. “Do you need me to stay?”

“No, I believe I have it handled accordingly.” Logan cleared his throat, flustered just a tad bit after the emotional Side’s outburst of affection. “I will keep an eye on him to see if his fever breaks, although I do believe it is too early in his sickness for that.”

Patton pouted, but Logan knew it wasn’t from anger or annoyance; it was from worry for his metaphorical-son. “Okey-dokey.” Patton sighed, turning to Virgil to briefly stroke his hair and move the rag out of the way so he could kiss him on the forehead. Once everything was doted over and rearranged in a way that confused Logan (it all looked _the exact same as before_ , why did he move everything all over again?!) and comforted Patton (yes, that is better, he’s much more comfortable now, that is good, very good job me – oh, well thank you, me!), the parental Side decided it was okay for him to leave now. After a quick squeeze on Logan’s arm and a comforting smile, he was gone, closing the bedroom door after him.

Logan stayed where he was for a good minute afterwards, staring unseeingly at Virgil’s body. He completely spaced out, thinking of… nothing, really. It was a weird feeling, his usually-busy head empty and peaceful for once. It was unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome. A weak groan from Virgil’s form on the bed drew his attention back in a snap, everything around him suddenly coming into focus and making him momentarily disoriented.

The night (more like early morning, Logan despondently thought, after the clock told him it was around 4:00 now) passed fairly quickly once Logan had gotten himself comfortable in bed beside Virgil. He sat with his back pressed against the headboard, all lights turned off besides his small table lamp that was angled carefully to only shine across him. He had multiple notebooks open around him, many of them with graph paper, and a few graphite pencils. In his hands currently was a reading book, one of his favorites – _Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of the Baskervilles_. He was taking a brief 15 minute break, as constantly suggested by Patton whenever he found himself going for hours on end with no break in sight. It was for his mental health, Patton claimed. Taking more frequent breaks helped keep his brain energized and stopped it from running itself too low. After some research, Logan had to begrudgingly agree, since all the science was there to prove it was real. It was ridiculous though, in his personal opinion. Humans have these incredible devices in their heads, and it was just… illogical to have to shut down for at least 8 hours a day to let it “recharge”. He felt at this point in human evolution, we should have found a way to shorten that time and therefore elongate available time to work on things that _needed_ to be worked on—

“Ohhh, fuck…”

Virgil was awake.

“Good morning.” Logan nodded to him, setting his book aside and beginning to clear off his lap of his night’s worth of work.

The clock read 8:26, making Virgil double-take. Last he remembered checking the clock, it said 3:16! “Oh god, did I fall asleep?”

“Sort of.” Logan mumbled. “You more so passed out, I would say.”

“What the hell happened?” Virgil had a pretty good idea about what exactly happened, but he found denial was a fantastic thing to fall to whenever he needed to.

“The cut on your left arm has become infected.” Logan explained, shucking the blankets previously around his legs and waist off and climbing out of the bed once more. “Virgil,” Logan’s voice quieted, avoiding the anxious Side’s eyes as he asked, “if you did anything, you would tell us, right?”

“Wh- of course!” Virgil flailed with his right arm (wow, it hurt like hell to try and even _flex_ the muscles in his left arm) towards the logical Side. “Logan, I haven’t done anything since that one movie night.” He waited until Logan met his gaze before repeating, “I haven’t. Promise.”

Logan sighed. “Alright, Virgil. I believe you. It’s still unsettling that you got infected, despite us being so careful…”

“Things like that happen sometimes, though.” The other sympathized, watching as Logan went to get dressed. He didn’t even flinch when the other shed his pajamas in favour of his regular polo and slacks. They all had the same body, after all – with some tiny differences, he conceded. “At least I’m not _too_ sick!”

“That is a good thing about this whole situation.” Logan nodded, coming back to the bed once completely dressed – shoes and all. “Would you like my help down to the commons?”

“I doubt I can walk on my own, so sure.” And like that, the two left brain Sides made their way out of Logan’s bed, and through the long way to the Mindscape Commons. Virgil was in no shape to sink out right now, and Logan wasn’t confident of his abilities to make two people sink at the same time. So, the long way it was. Which wasn’t too bad, considering they both got a bit of exercise and Virgil became more comfortable with the way his head swam and his knees would buckle under him every once in a while.

They finally reached the Commons, in which Virgil was scooped up and fretted over by a very over-exuberant Side: “Virgil! Oh, I found the note Patton wrote me! How are you feeling? I would ask if you are alright but it’s obvious you aren’t and oh let me get you some breakfast sit down wait would you be more comfortable on the couch let’s move you to the couch—”

Logan stood off to the side with his arms crossed and a fond smirk on his face. Virgil was very obviously flustered the more Roman doted over him, bringing him a plate of food from the kitchen (where Patton was, trying so valiantly not to laugh into his oven mitt) and wrapping him in a soft blanket covered in a picture of the TARDIS. Roman encouraged him to eat as much as he could, although that ended up being a mouthful of eggs, half a slice of toast with jam (Logan knew what brand it was just by the look of it), and a whole cup of cold water. Roman obviously wasn’t sated but was proud from how much energy it seemed to take from Virgil to just eat that much.

Shortly after his “meal”, Virgil was passed out on the couch, cocooned in a blanket and surrounded by multiple pillows, and a couple stuffed animals (courtesy of Patton). The other three Sides stood over him, each in their respective position (hands on his hips, hands clasped in front of his chest, and arms crossed across his chest). Roman was the first to break the silence, turning to his left and addressing the two:

“If Virgil is sick, then that means Thomas is, as well.”

Patton froze, eyes wide before crying out in panic and sinking out. Logan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and glancing to the prince. Roman nodded, an amused smile on his lips. “Go check on Thomas with him; I’ll stay with Charlie Frown.”

The logical Side gratefully nodded at him before sinking down without a moment to lose. Roman turned to Virgil, frowning at the sight of the usually-strong Side reduced to a sniffling mess. “Heh, you just can’t seem to catch a break, can you?” He sat down next to him on the couch, tending to the pillows and blankets briefly before turning to the TV and turning it on, flipping to Game of Thrones and conjuring up a glass of water for himself. If sick people really sleep as much as Logan says they do, then it looks like Roman will be binge-watching episodes of Game of Thrones for quite a while. Not that he was complaining, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not even going to try and guess when the next chapter is gonna come out... i dont have much more ideas haha so maybe two more chapters, and an epilogue if y'all really want it. thank you guys so much for sticking with my crap omg xD i don't deserve you guys you are great and i love every one of you *muaw* okok bye ilysm have good days my lovelies ill see you next update aaaaaahh!!! <3 <3 <3
> 
> p.s........ almost 4k words? turn me upside down and fucc me silly omg my fingers are goign to fall off

**Author's Note:**

> hehe i didn't proofread this too much so i hope its okay ".w.  
> also ps i used my own experiences to describe virgil's blood loss and shock. i haven't been in the same situation before, but i've been in a circumstance where i've lost a ton of blood all at once and i felt like i was getting too much air and too little air all at once and it was great -.- but mmmmyeah science >:D i'll post another chapter real soon. either tonight or tomorrow if i get the time, but it'll be in patton's pov and have the side's reactions to virgil's note, finding him, and taking care of him afterwards. hoooo stay tuned :D


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